[Editor’s note: The inimitable Rude Jude Angelini now has a new bi-monthly advice column for TheHundreds.com. The shock jock-turned-memoirist wrote one of Bobby Hundreds’ favorite books of 2014. Now, he’s taking his sharp wit to The Hundreds in a recurring advice column where figures from our community reach out and ask Rude Jude for a helping hand.]
I met a girl in AA who’s fine, we have EXCELLENT chemistry. I recently found out while getting to know her she is an EX-Heroin addict. Should I start dating her? Why or why not?
Should you start dating a junkie? I’ma go ahead and say no.
You thought I was gonna say yeah, right? Nice liberal open-minded chap like myself? I’m a die-hard romantic too, a couple of my favorite movies: Princess Bride and About a Boy. I would LOVE for you to find LOVE in an AA meeting I’d love for you to find a nice little junkie broad who’s rough around the edges, maybe a single mom, even! Love her hard enough and she’ll change. Next winter it’s the three of ya stringing up popcorn around the ol’ Christmas tree, drinking eggnog, listening to Bing Crosby. You put the kid to bed and she gives you the best blow job ever - all that sucking dick for dope is finally paying off - then you spoon her ass and go to sleep.
Sounds awesome - awesome, but unlikely.
Yeah, I’m a romantic, but I’m also a pragmatist. It seems like there’s safer bets for a girlfriend. Would you build your dream house on a fault line? Junkies are for fucking, not for dating.
“I HAVE A GENERAL RULE WHEN LOOKING FOR A MATE. I LIKE TO BE THE FUCKED UP ONE IN THE SITUATION.”
Here’s the thing about “ex-heroin addicts” - they tend to be just heroin addicts. All my people who’ve struggled with dope relapsed. You know why? Because heroin is fucking awesome. It feels fucking awesome. I don’t know first hand. I’ve never done it, because it feels fucking awesome. And if anyone has the makings to be a goddamned dope fiend, it’s me. And I, sir, like fucking and shitting way too much, so I’ve avoided it like the plague.
I’ve seen cats have a lil’ chippy habit over a 15 year period, on again off again, nose always running, dope sick, going through withdrawals. And I’ve seen motherfuckers die off it. I’ve also seen a few people kick. But like really, why risk it? Why gamble on a long shot?
And news flash, aren’t you a fucking alchie yourself? Don’t you got enough on your plate to be cuffing a junkie? And that’s if she even is a junkie. What the hell is she doing at AA anyway? Shouldn’t she be at NA with the rest of the fiends? Or she thinks she’s too good to be around the court ordered ex-cons? Or maybe her habit wasn’t even that bad and she’s just a drama queen claiming to be a junkie. Now you got some needy chick texting you all the time, checking in to see if you still love her. Seems like a headache.
So let’s reevaluate my little 12 Step friend, best case scenario you get a rad girlfriend out of the deal. Worst case scenario, you get her pregnant, she relapses, and you got yourself a dope fiend baby mama.
I have a general rule when looking for a mate. I like to be the fucked up one in the situation. Sounds to me like you’re downgrading.
Got questions for Rude Jude? Email YoJude@TheHundreds.com.