[Editor’s note: The inimitable Rude Jude Angelini now has a new weekly advice column for TheHundreds.com. The shock jock-turned-memoirist wrote one of Bobby Hundreds’ favorite books of 2014. Now, he’s taking his sharp wit to The Hundreds in a recurring advice column where figures from our community reach out and ask Rude Jude for a helping hand.]
Over the last year I’ve become more turned on by anal porn. I’m scared to tell my boyfriend of six months. How do I tell my man that I want to start doing anal sex and should I start bleaching my asshole like porn stars? Thank you.
Uh, no you shouldn’t start bleaching your asshole like the porn stars, that’s fucking stupid. Would you put rims on a garbage truck? That’s where your shit comes out of, dude. That seems totally unnecessary and borderline dangerous.
You know who came up with trend? Probably some dermatologist or waxer trying to do add-on sales. They got you in there for a Brazilian or a mole removal, all naked and vulnerable, and hit you with, “I notice there’s some discoloration around your anus. Would you like me to take care of that for you?” Cha-ching.
That brown ring’s not discoloration, that’s natural. That’s nature’s bull’s-eye. You know what discoloration is? Making that shit pink when it should be brown. I’m no scientist, but I’m not into remixing body colors, it seems like it could be at the very least rashy.
Plus, why the fuck you wanna follow porn trends? These motherfuckers aren’t known for their style. They still rocking Uggs and Juicy Couture. You ever been in a porn chick’s house? Ikea art and vases from TJ Maxx. If I had a dollar for every Audrey Hepburn stencil painting I’ve seen hanging over some overstuffed couch at a porn chick’s house, I’d have seven dollars. Watch them for different dick sucking techniques, not fashion trends.
If you would’ve followed the porn trends in the ’90s you’da had some veined out, extra hard, triple G fake titties right now and a back problem.
Plus, let’s say you go out and bleach your butthole, come home, get sodomized, and you don’t even like that shit? Now you wasted all that money on a pink anus and you’re not even gonna use it. Just because you like it in porn, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gonna like it in practice. Exhibit A – Rape Porn.
As for telling your man, there are three ways I see:
1. Be straightforward about it and tell him you want some anal when you’re not having sex. Maybe during breakfast, you could hit him with a, “You know what would go good with this poached egg? You fucking me right in my shitter.” You don’t have to be that vulgar, but be unapologetic about your wants, people respect strength.
2. Watch some anal porn with him and suggest it. This one’s easy, go to Redtube or Youjizz or any of those sites. You can even baby-step him there, start with some regular shit like casting couch, where the girl with no bra on shows up to some hotel room for a rap video audition and ends up with a dick in her mouth. Once he’s excited, jump on over to the backdoor shit and that’s when you say, “That looks like fun, we should try that.” He’ll probably go along with it as men are 3000% more suggestible when we have an erection.
3. Playing to erection suggestibility, you can always hit him with that heat of the moment shit. Mid-coitus tell him to throw it in your butt. Make sure you shit ahead of time so that you’re comfortable and he doesn’t end up with poop on his dick.
I’m sure he’ll go for it. He’d have to be gay as hell to not wanna fuck you chick in the ass. Ya dig? But if all he wants to do is butt fuck and doesn’t want the pussy, that’s pretty gay too. Unless you just got a giant pussy and the ass is giving him more friction, then that’s not gay, that’s making lemonade out of lemons. But if he only wants to buttfuck you and then you buttfuck him, that’s extra gay! And if he brings in another guy to buttfuck him while he’s buttfucking you, I’d be pretty concerned about that as well.
I’d say once a week sodomy and special occasions like Easter and Mother’s Day is gonna be your sweet spot. Good luck and remember to breath out when he’s pushing in.
Got questions for Rude Jude? Email YoJude@TheHundreds.com.