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Falcon Fever

Falcon Fever

By Rob

What is the most successful way to get rid of hundreds of nuisance birds? I don’t like that opening... How bout: Tired of getting your whole life shit on by an overpopulation of shitty birds? Do you live in a recycling facility and the seagulls have become a serious problem? Have baby quail infested your home? Then do I have the solution for you. Pictured here are your essentials for owning a predatory bird.

Falconry is the world’s oldest art form. It’s not a sport. In fact the word “hobby” actually translates to: “a small falcon,” I’m not shitting you, look it up. When training your raptor, the covering of the eyes is very important, since birds of prey are the only mammal whose eyes are larger than its brain. The hood has to fit perfectly for each bird. I was told these hoods and sneakers have a lot in common in the way they are made and worn. Also the term “hoodwinked” is derived from falconry.

This is the weaponized part of the bird. All the killing and physical labor is done with the talons. The beak is only for eating and screeching. The leather leash helps to keep you from losing your falcon. Similar to a surfbort leash. This is also where the phrase “I’m at the end of my rope” originated.

The nose cone on the engine of the SR71 spy plane was inspired by the tiny conical formation inside the falcon’s nasal passage. This created a vortex allowing the bird to breathe when it is diving at 200mph.

Speaking of going 200mph... breeders are trying to create the fastest animal on earth. By creating a hybrid falcon. You see the Gyrfalcon only exists in the arctic circle. Arctic creatures often grow bigger than tropical due to climate, food storage and survival capabilities... but these Gyrafalcons are susceptible to diseases when they are brought to tropical regions. When bred with a Saker Falcon, another massive flying killing device, falconers are hoping to create an invincible bird that can exceed 300mph. I learned all this on my lunch break.

What happens when your falcon just wants to stay out all night and not come home. Until it discovers it has no home, or money, or job, and you can’t just sleep over at Eric Capucci’s house and drink all night and not expect repercussions. That’s why it wears a little back pack with a transmitter. The falconer has a locator that beeps like that box in No Country For Old Men. Like most runaways the falcon always ends up at that bus stop on Vine and Franklin.

When falconing, always remember to wear a glove.

Common misconception, Falcor is NOT a falcon.

Welcome to the only thing cooler than a skateboard. Well, maybe not the only thing.

To learn more about falconry, or to remove nuisance birds from your life cheek out Pacific Coast Falconry.

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