So my girlfriend read like half the back cover of one of these Hunger Games books while waiting in line at Target, and suddenly we have to watch all the movies. Being a dork, I was aware of Kohshun Takami’s Battle Royale since 1999, and always thought that Suzanne Collins was a copycat. But, having sat through all the Hunger Games movies, I also recognize that multiple stories from a nearly identical fight-to-the-death premise is possible.
However, what’s the fun of analyzing a movie that is going to make hundreds of millions anyways? Here are some important lessons of a dystopian universe I learned from watching the last installment of the Hunger Games.
Warning: Spoilers Ahead. Obvi.
An imagined world where everything is bad has no one of Asian descent. There are like two black people, a man of Hispanic descent, and everyone else happens to be white. I like to think that all the Asians were smart enough to get the fuck off Earth before shit hit the fan. But, I’ve come to realize that even in a shit world, anyone with slanted-eyes have no place.
Kiss of a White Woman Can Cure Anything
Peeta Mellark went through some real shit, and he’s been brainwashed and conditioned to believe Katniss is responsible. Anything can set the dude off, and have him go balls-to-the-wall ape shit, but he’s no match to the kiss of a white woman. Peeta has just been challenged through a harrowing chase and is further conflicted by the brainwashing when he is about to go into one of those “fuck everything” rages. Katniss, played by an Amazonian Jennifer Lawrence, dips down and gives him the antidote to months of psychological abuse: white women lips. Peeta’s back!
Friend Zones Still Exist
Even when everything is terrible, things can always get worse. The friend zone is a real thing even amid war, famine, and pestilence. I’m talking about Gale Hawthrone. He survives the death of his family, protects the Everdeen family while Katniss is in the Games, and throws himself into the rebellion only to be given a weak dispassionate peck on the lips. Katniss shows some interest, but the simp in him knows he doesn’t stand a chance to Peeta, even if he was a bit cuckoo. Even after escorting Katniss to the gates of President Snow’s mansion wasn’t enough for Katniss to fall for Peeta planting some weeds in Katniss’s garden.
Trust No One
President Snow was one sorry sack of shit, but Alma Coin was no better. The president of District 13 was just as manipulative as the incumbent. She uses media savvy to trick the masses into throwing their lives into the rebellion. Her role is derivative of Napoleon from George Orwell’s 1984, but it plays really well into the story.
Cats Give No Fucks
So Prim is dead and Katniss is in an inconsolable stupor in their old home when Prim’s beloved cat, Buttercup, appears over the kitchen sink. Katniss hears the cat and is immediately reminded of Prim’s unforeseen and premature death. She saunters over to kitchen and shit goes real when she recognizes that it is indeed, Buttercup. Katniss is pissed, and goes into a murderous rage. Screaming at the feline and telling Buttercup that Prim is dead and never coming back. Her anger culminates when she begins hurling cups, plates, and whatever she can get her hands on at Buttercup. The cat doesn’t even blink an eye. This is Buttercup’s house, you just pay the rent, Katniss.
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