[Editor’s note: The inimitable Rude Jude Angelini now has a new weekly advice column for TheHundreds.com. The shock jock-turned-memoirist wrote one of Bobby Hundreds’ favorite books of 2014. Now, he’s taking his sharp wit to The Hundreds in a recurring advice column where figures from our community reach out and ask Rude Jude for a helping hand. Check out his first question from Jensen Karp below.]
YO! JUDE,
How long into a relationship should a partner stop placing their phone upside down when you’re hanging out?
-Jensen Karp (@jensenclan88)
Dear Jensen Karp,
Well, Jensen, I was thinking perhaps you should stay out of her business. Maybe who she talks to is of no concern to you, especially if she’s not your girlfriend. If she’s not your girl, you don’t get to say who can text her or how she places her phone.
Here’s all you can do: request that she doesn’t communicate with other dudes while y’all are hanging out. That’s common courtesy. You don’t wanna be paying for drinks while she’s sitting there laughing at another cat’s texts, sending him emojis and shit. That’s demoralizing. As a matter of fact, if y’all are hanging out and she’s on her phone more than in your face, I suggest you dropkick that chick and find a new one, but hey – I’m old fashioned.
Now back to the whole phone face down thing. I get how that could irk you. It’s a little reminder that a girl you like is not all the way into you and too soon after she leaves, there might be another dick inside of her that’s not yours. And that stings. And there’s that phone lying face down with her Hello Kitty case looking you dead in the eye, taunting you. So what are you gonna do? Ask her to put her Hello Kitty phone in her Michael Kors bag ’cause it’s hurting your feelings?
Fuck that. You take it like a man. And just keep in mind she might be talking to other dudes, but right now, she’s talking to you and you make the best of that time. Don’t force it. If the chemistry’s right and y’all two click, you’ll pull her.
Now if she’s your girl and y’all two are exclusive? And she keeps rocking the phone face down all the time and you asked her to stop and she won’t? And she’s not in the mob or a spy or planning you a surprise party? Then that’s a shady bitch. What the fuck she got to hide? How many spies you know got a budget ass Michael Kors bag? If I was a spy, I wouldn’t rock that shit. I’d get something elegant yet understated like Bottega Veneta and some gators…. and a gun with a silencer. Glance in her bag. Does she have a gun with a silencer? No? Well, Jensen, that’s a trifling ass whore and you can do better. Relationships are built on trust and you can’t trust this one. I believe in transparency and that shit is murky at best. Even if she ain’t doing nothing wrong, the fact that you told her that it makes you uneasy and she still can’t adjust?! That speaks volumes, my man.
Kick her ass to the curb and keep it moving.
-Jude
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Got questions for Rude Jude? Email YoJude@TheHundreds.com.