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It’s unavoidable. The worst time of year is here. The time of year where people that never bought anything for you, or never met your needs in any way now require you to buy shit for them. I have sat out more Christmases and birthdays than most coma sufferers, so I know how to get through it. If you don’t have a good excuse like, “Sorry I was in prison,” or, “They don’t have stores on the offshore oil rig I’m stationed on,” then of course you can just write, “Because ISIS,” and get out of most engagements for a few years.

First, do NOT support stores that sell whack shit. By just stepping into a Brookstone or a J.C.Penny you give the illusion that that store actually has customers. Have you ever wondered who buys those cheap, overdesigned LED alarm clock radios? It’s my mother. She doesn’t even have any fucking money but somehow has kept Sharper Image in business every year buying these creations by one of your desperate uncles.

First rule to gift buying, do not buy gifts for people you don’t like. I don’t care if you are related to them. It will show in the shitty gift you don’t want to get them. If you follow this rule correctly you will have more money for the people you do want to buy gifts for.

Don’t go to the mall, don’t get a gift card. Use your fucking head. I am required by Ben to say to do all your Christmas shopping on but let’s pretend you already got everything they offer this season.

1. Hippo Skull

Not only does it look fucking rad, do you have any idea how difficult it would be to harvest one of these? $949 is a steal. Imagine the look of your dorm person’s face when they think their collection of KAWS dolls is going on the community desk and you pull out a fucking HIPPO skull that you politely spray painted gold.

2. Slim Jim

On a strict budget and hoping to use your Walmart discount seeing as how you work there? This is the most thoughtful gift under $19.00. Imagine the look on your secret Santa’s face when you hand them a fully wrapped slim jim. They will think, “Gosh, a graphite fishing rod must have cost a fortune…” However, think of the surprise and undulation their emotions will go thru when they reveal a thin piece of galvanized steel with little squares cut out of it. If you steal a car for a person, you will drive for a day; If you teach them how to steal, well… they will drive for a lifetime. Just ask Mark Wahlberg!

3. Art

If you are going to blow money, why not blow it on something that could increase in value? If you aren’t going to buy a gym membership or start going to therapy, why not buy some art? Amazon now sells a fine art category and you can scoop this George Condo print for like $2500.

4. Plastic Surgery

Let’s be honest, new shoes and a new car doesn’t make your face look any better. Ever wonder why some celebrities take the risk of fucking up their face beyond repair? Because it’s worth it. Invest in yourself – stop being an ugly loser. Facelift, nosejob, maybe remove that rotten tooth, Scotty, so your breath actually might stop smelling like a South Boston glory hole.

5. Marimo Moss Ball

If you missed the bamboo fad, and you are too young to remember the Mexican jumping bean fad… and you are too poor for a Bonsai tree… I have just the thing. MARIMO MOSS BALL! It’s not actually moss, but a living algae. What makes it dope is its ability to “swim.” If it gets too much oxygen, it rises to the top. When it has sucked in enough carbon dioxide it sinks to the bottom. It’s fucking rad and if you think you are ever going to impress a girl, you better get one of these.

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