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FAMILY STYLE FEST :: The Great Fry Debate

FAMILY STYLE FEST :: The Great Fry Debate

By Duke London

First of all, Happy National French Fry Day. Truly a momentous occasion. I mean, this is something we can all agree on: fries are fucking amazing. In this time of national upheavel and division, we can at least all get behind fries. If you’re a time traveler or from one of those villages that drones catch on video sometimes that have had zero contact with the modern world and just want to be left alone, fries are just potatoes, cut up and fried. It’s so simple, yet so revolutionary.

I don’t mean to speak for all of you on the matter of french fries and loving them, but I totally do mean to because if you say you don’t like french fries, you’re lying.

Americans scarf down fries at a clip of nine million pounds every single day…

…FROM MCDONALDS ALONE.

Yeah, it’s insane how many french fries we eat. But it’s like Global Warming, we’re way too deep and there’s no coming back. So, we might as well enjoy what little time we have left before Armageddon with some delicious french fries. And if we’re all going out swinging, stuffing our faces with french fries in the face of impending death, we might as well eat the best ones. There’s no time for bad fries.

I’m of the belief that burger spots and restaurants in general should be judged by their french fries, maybe even more than their burgers. I will definitely boycott a burger spot whose fries don’t contain the ingredient “love.” Restaurants must think we can’t tell when fries are an afterthought to them. WE BIG CAN. Even if a place has a great burger, but their fries are garbaahhjjjj, I most likely won’t go back. Or maybe I stop at a trusty fry spot on the way and smuggle them in when I hit the spot that clearly doesn’t care.

They’re an essential part of the equation. The only venue where burgers are regularly served that is exempt from serving delicious fries to accompany said burgers is your backyard. Not everyone has a fryer, so it’s not always possible to get that full combo meal at a pool party.

To celebrate #NationalFrenchFriesDay, we collected v scientific data over the last few days, polling our fans to gather their thoughts on the matter. We asked the people three simple questions:

We received an overwhelming number of responses, and tried to post as many as we could without our instagram story looking like that kid you know who goes to EDM raves every weekend and films the whole thing on their Instagram story so it just looks like 3 million little dots up top.

Obviously, our following is global, so we got a lot of one-off regional answers, but for the most part, people went for the big guys. And as all of the valuable data rolled in, we started to notice some trends. For instance, In-N-Out’s marketing team must work triple overtime trying to keep their image so pristine, when the overwhelming majority of people think their fries are wildly overrated. Personally, I think the beloved burger chain is overrated as a whole but I’m not from California and sometimes I like trash things where I’m from (Dunkin Donuts, sandwiches from WaWa, the list goes on and on). One thing that is for certain, though, is that In-N-Out’s fries are awful. Bland, limp, tasteless cardboard. The “Oh U hAVe To oRdER tHEm wEll DOnE” people are probably internet upset but I don’t know what to tell you. Numbers never lie.

Meanwhile, the fries that In-N-Out fries wish they were, McDonald’s — a tried and true American classic and the most eaten fry in the world — got the silver medal in this category. But there was an asterisk, as most people that listed McDonald’s as overrated mentioned that “soggy McDonald’s” fries were overrated, insinuating that they fully know and support the theory that McDonald’s fries are clearly the king on a normal day. But if I’m not letting In-N-Out count their Well Done, I can’t let Mickey D’s ignore their Soggy.

Speaking of the King of the Frites, let’s get to the Best Fries category.

Lot of random votes here as everyone wanted to mention their favorite local spot, tag them in the post, and hopefully be able to strike up a convo in the DMs with the local eatery to score some free fries. Listen, I don’t hate the move one bit. I’m banned from multiple Wahoo’s for abusing the free #1 they give out when you download their app. I mean, c’mon, they weren’t even verifying email addresses.

But anywho, Ronald McDonald reigns supreme here, as we knew he would. Taste, texture, the right ratio of salt and fat. They’re the gold standard. Plain and simple.

Which brings us to the most depressing category of them all — and believe me, even thinking about how much I love the great fries was pretty depressing — the Worst Fries. There were multiple contenders in this category and the suspense was building with each incoming ballot, but no recount was necessary, as Burger King ended up with the grease-stained cardboard crown. In-N-Out had a chance at the title, and so did Carl’s son’s place and KFC. But Burger King couldn’t lose, this is all they have.

The BK Lounge embraces the cringe, whether it’s by blatantly copying signature items that their competitors make really well (The Big King? Really?) or by inventing the most god-awful creations on Earth.

We appreciate all of you that participated, and we thank all of these restaurants for doing their thing, for better or worse. They can’t all be great, we need the Burger King fries of the world to be able to fully appreciate the McDonald’s fries.

Happy World Fry day or whatever, act like you’re just eating them today to celebrate. See you back in the drive-thru tomorrow, and at Family Style Fest in September, where amazing fries will be aplenty.

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