If Acme were real, I would 1000 percent rather go there than some of these other mail-order websites. In fact, if Acme were a real company, their drops would basically be the hottest thing going, with items selling out online within seconds. You don’t have to have a degree in Economics from Acme Looniversity to know that some of their products are straight fire. Here are a couple of Acme products that we wish they could leave on our doorsteps.
At first I was like, I’d really want an Acme Time-Space Gun. But as we all know from Back to the Future, it’s never a good idea to disrupt the time-space continuum. Still, the Time-Space Gun is one of the most iconic Acme products.
Basically, how it works is, if you shoot someone with it, they turn into what they will be in the future. In the cartoon, Marvin the Martian shoots Bugs with it, but accidentally turns Bugs into a giant Neanderthal bunny who crushes Marvin with a punch. I’m not exactly sure how it works in terms of logic, but it would be cool to turn my cat into a Neanderthal cat, which is actually just a Saber-toothed Tiger. Of course, that’s kind of dangerous, so I’d quickly reverse her back to a regular cat, but yeah, I definitely want a Time-Space Gun.
The Acme Anti-Nightmare Machine
Y’all ever have that one nightmare where you wake up and the old lady is standing over your bed? No? Okay, me neither, ‘cause I’m not weird, hehe, but I also get more mundane nightmares. Like, I had a nightmare the other night that my credit card debt was higher than it actually is. That’s a good way to wake up in sweats.
Y’all ever have that one nightmare where you wake up and the old lady is standing over your bed? No? Okay, me neither, ‘cause I’m not weird, hehe, but I also get more mundane nightmares. Like, I had a nightmare the other night that my credit card debt was higher than it actually is. That’s a good way to wake up in sweats. If I had the Anti-Nightmare Machine, that for sure would not have been my dream. In fact, I’d probably have dreamt I was debt free, and my sleep would be easy and chill, and I would wake up refreshed. Damn, I need an Anti-Nightmare Machine…
I think I would have a love-hate relationship with the Artificial Rock. Basically, it’s a hollow boulder that you hide under so that people think you’re a rock. Which would be awesome for those parties that your ex shows up to, but also super confusing to everyone, because, as the party host might ask, “Why is there a boulder in my living room?!” Which, if you’re trying to hide, has the opposite effect, because then everyone’s trying to figure out the boulder-in-the-living-room situation, and all the attention is on you until you have to come out. It’s not a great product for parties, but it would probably work for camping if a bear was chasing you. So, yeah, I would get the Acme Artificial Rock and head out to Big Bear.
Remember those plastic dinosaurs that you put in water, and they grew? I used to love how slippery the texture of them was. But I digress. In the cartoon world, Acme made Dehydrated Boulders that come in a box that looks like a few hundred pebbles, and if you add one drop of water to one, it becomes a boulder. It’s truly a feat of engineering. But, Wile E. Coyote, such a goof, holds the boulder over his head after he adds water, and it crushes him, and the Road Runner “beep beeps” at him in the most infuriating way. If I had the Acme Dehydrated Boulder, I would get all my climbing buddies, bring them to the park, and we would have our own new bouldering course. I love all these rock products that Acme releases. Super on point.
Do-It-Yourself Tornado Kit
With all the climate change lately, this product might seem a bit redundant, but I still want an Acme Do-It-Yourself Tornado Kit. I mean, people in Tornado Alley probably wouldn’t get this product if it were real. And to be fair, it seems like a really dangerous product, but that’s what makes it cool. So, in the cartoon, it’s basically a mini-tornado that you can ride in. Coyote makes it look a bit like extreme sports. Once you’re riding in one, they can be hard to control though, so if I had one, I would make sure to do it on the Salt Flats of Death Valley or something, and not near the old Army minefield like Coyote does.
Indestructo Steel Ball
This would be a super dope product if it were real. Again, kind of like extreme sports, you could hop into the Indestructo Steel Ball and you can roll down mountain cliffs, off waterfalls, into deep rivers, and through minefields in it.
Despite its name, it does get a bit dinged up in the minefields though (Coyote seems to end up in abandoned minefields a lot), and the inside doesn’t seem as comfy as it maybe should be (Coyote gets a bit jangled up when he takes one for a ride), so maybe Acme would have some kinks to work out if they made this real, but it’s pretty solid, and waterproof to boot.
Chuck Jones was a master of those physics-stretching, "cascading" kind of knock-on events gags, like the steel ball in "Wild About Hurry". pic.twitter.com/dzNwFKJSep
— Mike Flugennock (@flugennock) September 18, 2017
To be honest, I wouldn’t go anywhere dangerous without my Indestructo Steel Ball. I really want to take it to Badlands National Park and ride down the spires. Or roll down the pyramids in Cairo. That would be the move.
I was listening to This American Life and they were asking people if they’d rather be invisible or have the ability to fly for their superpower—generally showboating that extroverts wanted to fly and sneaky introverts wanted to be invisible. That being said, I think I’m more on the sneaky side. And that is why I’d want a whole bucket of Acme Invisible Paint.
You know where this product would be good? Los Angeles, where I live. Can you even imagine? Bae texts you up, all, “Oh, hey, come through,” but she lives in Santa Monica and you’re in Northeast L.A. “No problem, let me just make an Instant Road and I’ll be there in 15 minutes.” Imagine that! No traffic in L.A., ever. Okay, I mean I guess it probably works best in the desert where Coyote uses it, but man, the possibilities with this. This is easily my favorite Acme product, and the one I most wish were real. Acme, if you’re listening: please send me a lifetime supply of Instant Road.
Strait-Jacket Projecting Bazooka
I’m including this Acme Strait-Jacket Projecting Bazooka (sic) because, while I like the idea of a gun that shoots something to ensnare an enemy, I would prefer a spider’s web, or perhaps some sticky honey. Mental health is an issue that Bugs has dealt with for years, and straightjackets are a vestige of a time when mental health institutions treated their patients with indifference or contempt. I mean, out of context, it’s pretty cool to shoot a straightjacket out of a gun—and you could totally connect straightjackets to escape artists like Harry Houdini—but there’s no way we can ignore the history of sanitariums. In a way, I wish it existed so this conversation could be had. So, yeah, problematic fave.
Our The Hundreds X Looney Tunes Acme clothing collection drops this Thursday.