I haven’t had a day like this in years, if ever.
I rested my fingers on the keyboard. I clicked around on my mouse. I waited for something to come. Something to make me feel alive.
I drove to my office. I turned around and drove home. The world’s longest U-turn.
I sat on the porch. I watched neighbors walk by, as if they had somewhere to go. Everyone gives the nod. “It’s nice to see you, but please stay over there. By the way, are we gonna die?” It’s universal.
I watched the clouds. Behind them, a very blue backdrop. I thought, “Up there, everything is still the same.” The sky seemed more distant than ever.
I noticed e-mails drip down like a leaky faucet, but I did nothing about them. They are slower and more intentional these days – the emails. I don’t particularly miss when they were hyper and obnoxious. Perhaps there will be a day when I clamp the water shut.
I returned texts and DMs to feel something – a connection. I have wonderful friends. They are so smart and funny. I tell myself how lucky I am to have their ears and hearts. God, I miss hugs and wine-drunk dinners and noise. Although I get tired when I go out, I even miss that.
I’m never tired anymore. Correction: I’m exhausted, but I’m alert. Everything is moving in slow motion. I feel every inch of my day, I’m sensitive to every movement. The days are moving faster now, but soon there will be no more days. Just one long, looping thread, like a mobius strip. The sun sets and rises like a yo-yo. I’ve been saying that life feels like a rollercoaster lately, but it’s more like a yo-yo. Up and down, but stuck in the same place. At least a rollercoaster goes somewhere.
It’s 6:57pm and I’ve done nothing today.
I’ve trained myself to think that every day is precious and it’d be a waste to be unproductive. What a shame. So many dead people would love to have just one day back. And I spent it learning about the nuances of a virus like I’m a fucking scientist. No, I design T-shirts. And I didn’t even do that today.
I’m boiling spaghetti now. I think I have a gluten allergy, so it’s gluten-free pasta. It tastes disgusting, but for 12 minutes, I get to eat this trash and fool myself into believing that I’m a normal person without a stupid stomach thing. I’m just like you – I can eat a loaf of bread and run a mile. I am a god.
I am waiting for something to happen.
But, maybe there is just nothing for me today. I’ll try again tomorrow.