[Editor’s note: The inimitable Rude Jude Angelini now has a new weekly advice column for TheHundreds.com. The shock jock-turned-memoirist wrote one of Bobby Hundreds’ favorite books of 2014. Now, he’s taking his sharp wit to The Hundreds in a recurring advice column where figures from our community reach out and ask Rude Jude for a helping hand.]

YO! JUDE,

So, what up Jude.. I’m just trying to go to college, I’m trying to go to Villanova. I got excepted all that shit now I’m having a hard time finding the money it’s a dream of mine to go to college so I started selling drugs to help me pay for the tuition but my mother found out that I was selling oh she says if I don’t stop she gonna kick me out and and call the cops on me.. I tried to tell her it’s for college but she don’t care..

Signed,
Grammer King

How the fuck you get into Villanova?  Who the hell “excepted” you? You must be on athletic scholarship cuz you got that shit fucked up. I think what you wanted to say was ACCEPTED. Your shit’s a past tense of except, like excluding – for instance, everyone can write at a 6th grade level, except your dumb ass.

I was in remedial English and I know this shit. I was in class with dudes who wore helmets with chinstraps and looked like the big guy from Full Metal Jacket and I can see you’re fucking up. You keep writing like this, they aren’t gonna except your ass.

And while we’re having this heart to heart, what the fuck you got against commas?  You just hit me with like a sixty-five word run-on sentence with no punctuation whatsoever, just two dots at the end. I had to read that shit three times just to catch what you were saying. So work on that shit. Crack a book, read that shit, work on your grammar. Cuz like it or not, people judge harshly for that.

Like, if you text certain chicks and say some shit like, “I herd your going to the club hit me when you get their,” some broads will write you off forever cuz you don’t have a handle on the basics. Grammar doesn’t equal intelligence, but you still gotta know these little rules.

But who knows, maybe Villanova doesn’t give a fuck. Let’s take a look at some of their alumni... Toby Keith, Howie Long, and Jill Biden? Oh, you straight, you can prolly finger-paint your entrance exam and get in, forget what I said.

Now onto the drugs, I’m not here to tell you selling drugs is bad, cuz if it wasn’t for people selling drugs, I would have nowhere to buy drugs, and then suddenly my cheese plate parties would become rather dull. Plus, I like the fact that you’re a go-getter. You don’t see that too much in kids nowadays, little spoiled pussies that they are. But it sounds like you’re doing it wrong.

If your mom knows about your drug dealing, that means one of two things, either you’re moving weight and she noticed, or you’re not that slick and she noticed. If you’re moving weight, get the fuck out of your mom’s house! Rent an apartment, invest in a safe, and maybe get a part-time job so not to raise suspicion about where your money is coming from. If it’s the latter – which I think it is – if you’re not slick enough to keep your mom from finding out about your side business, then maybe selling drugs ain’t for you. The bad news is, neither is English. Go get a job.

Here’s the upside, you sound like you’re poor and I didn’t hear any mention of a father, so maybe you can get extra dough from financial aid for having a dead-beat dad, ask a counselor.

Good luck, keep grinding and go after your dreams.

::

Got questions for Rude Jude? Email YoJude@TheHundreds.com.