Some personal news: My longstanding beef with Jayden Jaymes that she absolutely has zero knowledge of is BACK ON.

Last year, I told you all about how our heated (not like that) rivalry began, when our weekly marketing meetings were dominated by porn talk because a foreign search engine was sending millions of fucking horndogs a month to an old blog that features a Van Styles photoshoot with Jayden Jaymes where she apparently performs excellently at her duties. I don’t know, I haven’t looked at it.

An excerpt from the original blog about our beef:

I don’t even like saying her name but I’ve been trying to overcome that to remove some of the power she has over me. Jayden Jaymes is the thousand-pound gorilla that I wear as a backpack.

There have been flashes of light at the end of the tunnel, a few outlier weeks where we took down Jayden Jaymes with a monster new article, probably about Adam Bomb or something. But then we revert right back to her tyranny. One time, I even tried to go back and edit the old Jayden photoshoot blog to put a bunch of links to new stories at the top of the page. Jayden wasn’t having it, I should have known she would slither her way into the backend of WordPress.

This Groundhog Day scenario of Jayden beating me to a pulp (in the traffic rankings) every single week, over and over again, has to stop. I’ve tried everything. I wrote a conspiracy theory about Marvin the Martian. We stomped In N Out burgers and fries with Osiris D3s. I interviewed Fred fucking Durst. I’m thinking outside the box. But all these little internet horndogs want to do is think inside the box. Alright, that was inappropriate.

While I wrote that original blog out of pure frustration after all of my futile efforts to defeat a far superior internet traffic machine, it ended up being exactly what was needed to win the battle. Traffic on my blog about the beef skyrocketed and the original Jayden Jaymes blog that haunted me eventually disappeared from the Top Ten on the traffic report. Did it help that I mentioned Jayden Jaymes’ name hundreds of times in the blog and used the same photos as the original to trick the hornies into reading something new? Hard to say. But yes.

Everything has been great since then on The Hundreds Blog. Other great stories have had the chance to shine without huge tiddy-shaped clouds hovering over them. Marketing meetings became a breeze without the added stress of having to explain why I couldn’t beat out an almost decade-old blog.

But then the Rona happened. For the last month or so, basically everyone on Earth is stuck inside their house pretending to work from home while they look at porn online. Shit, Pornhub even gave everyone free premium subscriptions. But Pornhub isn’t good enough, apparently, because guess who’s back atop the leaderboard for traffic on The Hundreds Blog. Yup, you guessed it. Jayden Jaymes, my mortal enemy. The bane of my internet existence. Where T&A now stands for troublesome and annoying.

The part that scares me the most is there’s no end to the horniness in sight. People are seemingly going to be quarantined for months and that means more and more people searching online for “sex” and other related explicit content, which brings them right to The Hundreds for some reason. This is why we’ve been wiping down the blog with disinfectant long before the lockdown.

So, now I return to my post, like Jon Snow atop the Night’s Watch. This is the battle of my lifetime and while I thought it had been won, the OG Jayden Jaymes blog has risen from the dead like the Night King to destroy what’s left of my soul.

I won’t let it happen, even if I have to add Jayden Jaymes nudes to every story we put out to fend off the evil blog of yesteryear. Story about a new up-and-coming streetwear brand? BOOM, Jayden Jaymes ass shot. Inspiring tale about an underdog musician fighting to have their voice heard? POW, Jayden Jaymes making suggestive faces. We will win this war against the SEO sickos.

Having said that, I want to reiterate that Jayden is a great friend of Bobby, Ben, and The Hundreds and my beef with her (a person who does not know that I am, in fact, a human that exists) is not what one would call “real.”