[Editor’s note: The inimitable Rude Jude Angelini now has a new weekly advice column for TheHundreds.com. The shock jock-turned-memoirist wrote one of Bobby Hundreds’ favorite books of 2014. Now, he’s taking his sharp wit to The Hundreds in a recurring advice column where figures from our community reach out and ask Rude Jude for a helping hand.]

YO, RUDE JUDE! 

As someone who pays attention to politics, current issues, and such – when is it a good time to jump ship move abroad? I’ve been considering this for a long time and am just wondering when you think the proverbial shit will hit the fan.

Signed,
Not Proud to Be an American.

First off, please call me Jude. Second, I don’t know where you got the idea that I stay up with current events, I’m a fucking idiot. I haven’t watched the news on purpose in years as I find it incredibly depressing – what they choose to cover, what they choose to ignore, how they cover it. It’s enough to make you believe in the Illuminati, which I don’t.

I was at my friend’s house the other day and he had on MSNBC, they spent 20 minutes talking to an “expert” about Ferguson and her Twitter handle was @tricialiscious or some shit like that. That’s who you want me to get my fucking news from? Some 45-year-old lady claiming Liscious on Twitter? Get the fuck outta here. Then, following that, there was a big story about some white Oklahoma frat chanting that they don’t like “n*****s.” Let’s see, a bunch of privileged white motherfuckers in a FRATERNITY in a hick-ass state that don’t like blacks? Wow, can’t believe it. Never saw that one coming. What they gonna tell me next? That bacon’s high in fat? Don’t they got real shit to cover?

Problem is real shit don’t rate. Their job is to get ratings so they can charge detergent companies top dollar to advertise on their channel. Keep that in mind when you’re watching some inflammatory bullshit. They’re just here to sell you Tide with Bleach, homeboy.

Now, as for you leaving the country? No time’s like the present. Get up and get the fuck gone. As a rule, I’d stay away from the Muslim countries, seems like our foreign policy has a few of ‘em a bit miffed. And even if they were totally stoked on Americans, why would you wanna leave this Christian country and head over to some other spot who’s laws are based on mythological, imaginary bullshit?

I got a buddy who’s living down in Ecuador for cheap. He seems to like it. He’s got a pretty good tan going. Thailand’s the spot to go, if fucking trannies is your thing. But I don’t know about the long-term viability of settling down with one. You ever seen an old ass tranny? Eeesh. They go from looking like a chick to a wizard pretty fucking fast.

Me, I’d probably end up in Norway or some shit. They seem to be pretty progressive and they got them thick ass white girls. And I like to frolic in the snow, so there’s that.

Whatever you decide, some Googling and trip out there ahead of time would be the prudent thing to do. I think a lot of countries have job openings for people to teach English, look into that.

And for the news? Pick up the Economist, don’t write into my ass.

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Got questions for Rude Jude? Email YoJude@TheHundreds.com.