Seems like I’ve been interviewed a lot lately, but in reality, The Hundreds is more than just me, my fat mouth, and I. So, periodically, I’ll be interviewing all the crew heads that don’t get to shine otherwise. I’m gonna start off with the ubiquitous Alex the Super Intern. Aside from his gargantuan Adam’s apple and eerie rapist grin, Alex is special because he is the only kid who’s ever emailed us for an internship that we actually gave a shot to. Maybe it’s because he wrote “If you don’t hire me, I’m going to stab my face with a compass,” but something about his atrocious spelling errors and lack of direction in life caught our interest.
Alex plays an important role here at The Hundreds. He mainly just sits around the shop, giving customers a deadpan stare whenever they ask him for help. Sometimes he ogles at young girls long enough to make them really uncomfortable. But really he’s just around to provide comic relief. Meet Alex the Super Intern:
Me: Do u wanna be interviewed for the website right now?
Super Intern: i guess. Why not, i dont have anything better to do.
Me: Perfect. Ok, so introduce yourself.
Super Intern: i’m Alex the Kid.
Me: Are you brave?
Super Intern: in what sense?
Me: Would you fight a bear if it was angry?
Super Intern: Probably. black bears are pussies.
Me: Why do you work for The Hundreds?
Super Intern: because i’m an idiot.
Me: Do you have low self-esteem?
Super Intern: No, I~Ac^a'not^a"cm actually quite self confident. i just acknowledge my faults.
Me: What is your favorite thing to do besides kiss your relatives on the mouth?
Super Intern: Artificially inseminate cows.
Me: Who’s more disgusting. Ben, Jabba the Hut, or a dead cow?
Super Intern: Ben IS jabba the hut. So a dead cow.
Me: At the shop, Tony is your manager. Would you rather walk in on Tony naked in the store bathroom, or walk in on him naked in the shower?
Super Intern: Well, i hope neither but probably in the bathroom. Even though that would be random.
Me: So you’d prefer to walk in on Tony naked in the bathroom?
Super Intern: I guess.
Me: Why in the world would Tony be naked in our bathroom?! That’s weird.
Super Intern: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing, but why would i be walking in on him if he was in the shower? Why would i walk in on him anyways? i knock first.
Me: This is the worst interview I’ve ever done. And that includes the time we gave you a job interview. Speaking of which, what did you think of Ben’s face when we sat down for that interview?
Super Intern: Man you’re the fuckface asking stupid ass questions. i thought, damn why is his mouth always open?
Me: Have you ever wanted to jump through our store windows feet-first?
Super Intern: No. Head-first sounds better.
Me: Sometimes you remind me of a robot like Vickie on Small Wonder. Are you old enough to remember that show?
Super Intern: Don’t ever compare me to a robot. And no, of course i’m not old enough. I’m 12 years old. but can you tell me why there is such an uncanny resemblance between you and bobby from bobby’s world?
Me: Because we are both dreamers.
Super Intern: Why are you only asking me questions that i am forced to give answers that make me sound like an idiot?
Me: That’s a wrap! Thanks Alex.
Super Intern: Fuck yourself!!! Ask me better questions.
Me: OK. How tall is the Empire State Building?
Super Intern: 381 meters.