If you are into forms of communicative expression, or are a pathetic art groupie you would have LOVED to be in L.A. this weekend.  King of all hipsters, fashion photographer Terry Richardson had his opening and all of Hollywood showed up.

This is the inside of the OH WOW gallery. Everyone is so happy.

I was driving down Washington Blvd in Venice last fall, talking on the phone with Mac, and I said, “Oh there is Terry Richardson taking a picture of the strip club sign. I wanted to take a picture of him taking a picture, but I was over it and went back to talking shit about everyone in advertising. Herbs.

This is the second best picture anyone has taken at this event.

This is the best picture.

You are right, I totally would have said “no” to the question, does YSL make adult onesies?

Os Gemeos at my close personal friends Prism Gallery.  This was the favorite and most important event to the art community this week. The show was titled “I miss you”, but please do not take it personally.

Just gimme da light.

He has a dog house on his head.  Get it?!

The entire show was sold out before it opened. Lance Armstrong bought this one… ask me how I know!

Australian artist Anthony Lister premiered his unmistakeable style at the New Image Art gallery which my iPhone told me is on the corner of Santa Monica and Fairfax.

The ballerina was a constant theme through out the show.

Oh look who it is, Destiny! Every brands favorite model and Mr. Lister’s muse for the tiny dancers in the work.

John Marshall aka M3 (Money, Mackin’ and Murda) Triple T, Teresa Tran… the 2nd most powerful person I know.

Jim Darling rekindling with the Art Basel bromance Galo and Chaz.

Some people might feel organizing a group shot just for the flash to make the girls shirt see-thru is overkill… I’m not one of those people.

New app that shows your feminine side.

Check out the dude in the back that is fully taking advantage of the fact he looks like Jeremy Lin.

Last night was a soft opening for a powerful new eatery on restaurant row, Plan Check. Powerful is not the word to use when describing a restaurant but I can’t stop saying it. If the mighty Teresa Tran and powerful Sarah Cirkiel invite you somewhere, you do not ignore it.

All free everything helped keep the annihilated every night streak continue for the third straight week!

I was honored to discover I was the first person to order Hendricks.  I’d like to thank everyone involved that helped make this possible. My ex wife. Syria, especially my low morals and hopeless place.

Godzilla and Tropic Thunder.

Triple T and Sarah Cirkiel… what is this CEO day?

Going H.A.M.burger.

My hair and Australian footwear designer Tamie Ingham.

I housed it.

You don’t have to ask Yasi how good this place is! 25 sitting on 25 ….million views!

Thank you Plan Check, you will get me next time!

Limited to 1 of 7 billion, the creator is making calcium deposits in the shape of human brain boxes. So I want to decorate my office with some real hood shit. Something people would walk in and be like… “Oh damn, is that a full size replica Giraffe skeleton, spray-painted gold?” So, there are a bunch of bone and skeleton sites out there that sell everything. As you can see from the photo above inspired by Brad Pitt’s ex-wife in the movie 7, you are looking at a for real human skull. Gold caps, silver fillings, even a rotten tooth. Skulls Unlimited can pretty much supply you with any kind of brainbox you are into. A hummingbird skull, a Northern Elephant Seal, or a two headed baby with a softspot. In order to fully experience this dead head boutique, I had to make a purchase.

Now human skulls come with restrictions. Randoms can’t just go buying peoples domes and getting all weird with them. You have to be a criminal investigator, doctor, dentist, professor, or a student in any of these fields… what am I you ask?

Skull getting filthy from all that skullduggery? No it’s cool, the jaw comes off for easy cleaning. This dude must have been a boss, or at least had a decent insurance with a low co-pay.

Just as most of us hope to die… listening to Dr. Dre.

Now what do I do with it? Leave it in the Burbank Jet Blue terminal after Francisco fucked up my flight this week? Have the bitchen’est Hamlet costume this Halloween?  Set it on fire, and charge people $5 at Comicon to meet Ghostrider’s depressed little brother? Most likely I’ll just keep it on my bureau and keep doing what it tells me.

Do you remember where you were when Whitney Houston died? Derek Curry, owner of Sneaker Politics was in a sketchy convenient store in Vegas.

“Was I seriously crane kicking all night?”

Deon and Brittney arrived just in time.

Every time we seemed to sober up just enough…

… shit kept getting more awesome.

Having been friends with Derek for as long as I can remember I always forget how awesome he is. This non stop party was so out of control I’m not sure it could be recreated, but that will not prevent us from trying… erry day, erry day.

The color of that purse will be the color of of the summer, mark my words.

Door Knob

Magic tricks all night, making money disappear.

I didn’t know Kid Cudi and Akon had a baby?!

After Deon tried paying the cabbie with, “that shit from Zelda” he kicked us out.

Rottweiler

Mr. Green Jeans and the Go Harder set.

I WISH!

I have a suspect addiction to Birkin bags. Although I am not secure enough to carry a purse, any lady that i accessorize my life with will be carrying one.  If you don’t know the deal with these, here is the two minute summary. Hermes is the French high fashion brand that makes Gucci look like Sketchers. Jane Birkin an English singer/actress/hottie who’s inability to keep her shit off the floor, got the most sought after and expensive bag named after her. The next best part about this bag is that it is unattainable. You can’t just roll into Hermes with mommies platinum Amex and be like it tag poppin time. You have to spend enough every month in the store to get the managers attention, then they “invite” you to purchase whatever they have available. You don’t get to pick the purple croc as your first one.  One of these bags is fake, one is real.  Can you guess which is which? Snitch.

You can’t touch the leather but I assure you it is very high end. You can compare the hardware all you want, you won’t see any discrepancies.

How the fuck does the inside of a purse get so nasty? The starting price of a Birkin is is around $10,000. When people ask, “Rob why do you care so much about a purse?” I’m like, “Its like walking around holding a Honda Accord!” This is the inside of the bag, it can fit a G19 and Desert Eagle comfortably.

Here is the gold hardware. One of these purses belong to Sharon Stone.

What is that deerskin? Did you hear about the two guys that stole the calendar? They both got 6 months!

Yup, that’s where they write that. There is a cool book about a guy that went all over the world snatching up Birkins and selling them on eBay. He is awesome.

I don’t know how to discuss more without revealing the thousand dollar fake from Thailand. No Ben I can’t get you another fake. Can you spot the fake? When you think you have it locked, call me at 719-266-2837. I look forward to hearing from you.

Here is the second Greatest Story Ever Told. David Banner David Banner came through the Amusement Park today. If for some reason you feel you are not familiar with Mr. Banner, perhaps you can try to remember any song you have ever liked… he made it. There are also a few accomplishments of his you may not be familiar with. Every hear of a Chrysler Sebring? He named it. Baby Jessica falling down the well? Who’s well do you think that was? One day while everyone was picking up weights, David Banner David Banner said; “I could do that laying on my back”… that’s when the bench press was invented.

With a new album on the way, and a new outlook on the world, David Banner David Banner came through to talk about creative thoughts. He does not particularly appreciate when you make it rain rubber bands while screaming TIP DRILL!! as he walks into the meeting. (note to self: replace rubber bands in the supply closet)

“Some people only meet one, two… if you are real lucky three people that will change the course of your life forever. Jimmy Smith is one of those people.” -David Banner (5:04pm yesterday)

David and Jimmy first worked together a few years ago on the Gatorade “Evolve” campaign. David Banner wrote, produced, arranged, and performed THIS SONG. Are you kidding me?  He took ‘em to church on that one. That’s not even fair to everyone that calls themselves an artist.

Jimmy is life changing. There isn’t a single soul on earth that has a bad thing to say about Jimmy Smith.  There are urban legends in the Portland homeless community that instead of giving money, Jimmy would take pan handlers out to a nice meal. Jimmy and his family are the only symbols that kind, honest, normal families still exist. He also likes to accept awards he receives in Jordan warm up suits head to toe.

While everyone is talking so highly of each other, get like me and just see if David Banner keeps his Bentley unlocked…

My second most favorite thing about living in L.A. for only 2 years is becoming a resource for super dope shit for locals. The Museum of Jurassic Technology is at the top of the super dope shit list. The first rule of web logging is opening with a visually arresting image to make someone want to read more. You only open with a bizarre, vague, awkward, sexually ambiguous photo if you have others to support it. Which I do. This is a sculpture of Goofy on the head of a needle. Nope, I’m glad you asked… it didn’t go popular on instagram, ya I know… Sammyandthecity goes popular every time, but not a statue of Goofy the size of a subatomic particle.

The mobile home exhibit is one of the most complete exhibits of mobile homing ever exhibited.

I doubt you have ever thought what happens to dice when they have out lived their usefulness. Rotten Luck focuses on what happens when a die dies.

Just an X-Ray image of a pitcher plant for your jaded eyes.

Hypersymbolic cognitation, or superstition was basically law before we assassinated all the witches and invented the radio. It’s hard to understand if this museum contains massive amounts of uncatalogued knowledge… or is a very elaborate joke. Mice on toast, or mice pie cures bedwetting and stammering. Now you know why Ben Hundreds never wet the bed.

When you are a child you are not suppose to pick up a dying animal. Because if it dies while you are holding it, you will suffer from trembling hands for the rest of your life.

In another rags to riches tale, we meet a stray dog wandering the streets of Moscow. Who’d a thought she’d be gold medal figure skater Oksana Biaul!… I mean. Laika! The first earth born creature to ever travel into space. And you thought it was a camera… shame on you.

Real holograms are made out of glass. If you break the glass each shard will contain the fulls image if the hologram. It’s science.

These are just holy spirits.

This is a garden… on the ROOF!

Early gaming set up.

200 years ago kids still sat alone like nerds focussed on some worthless toy. In this case a piece of cheese string, and the ability to stunt so hard motherfuckers try to tie you, can make a portrait of Phillip Seymore Hoffman with your fingers.

Three hands seems like cheating, this is like a pilgrim with a game genie.

Jim Darling took to it faster than 2 rats humping in a wool sack.

This is my favorite. The only known species of bat called “the Piercing Devil” is eternally frozen in this block of lead. It is said they bat has a superior evolved echolocation, which allows the animal to fly through solid objects. No fuck you, read it here.

I am not a sports fan. But I am a white American boy which means my DNA includes all aspect of sports knowledge. More than half is dedicated to Red Sox history. The other half is obscure players names I memorized from my extensive baseball card collection. One player that paralleled my childhood was Gary Carter.  “The Kid” was his nick-name, fittingly. It seemed every pack of Donruss, Fleer, Topps, Upperdeck, Sportlflicks, Score, Bowman, and the dreaded Oh-Pee-Chee always contained a smiling blue and orange catcher. No matter how many places I moved, schools I changed, or friends I made, Gary Carter was always smiling back at me from Shea Stadium somewhere in Queens New York.

Gary and I parted ways some time in Junior High. He may have had a cameo in a game of stickball in some run down park in East Boston when anyone one playing catcher was automatically Gary Carter. Or if I met someone with the last name Carter I would immidiatley sarcastically ask, “Any relation to THE Gary Carter?”. But soon Gary disappeared from my life completely.

Until January of 2010. When brainstorming about creating a parody sports twitter account I was thinking of which ’80s Baseball star to ghost write hilarious, offensive, inappropriate insights into other forgotten, obscure professional athletes. On this day Gary Carter Raw was born. Gary was chosen because he was the most unassuming character. He won the World Series with Darryl Strawberry, Ron Darling, Bob Ojeda, and the 3 run homer by Howard Johnson. I imagined Gary on the Met’s plane with everyone celebrating telling Darryl Strawberry, “Hey Straw, let’s chill out on the drugs, she has had enough…” or just keeping order to a team of wild-boys that just won the World Series. The fake Twitter account wasn’t intended for anything other than a place to store our jokes. Gary wasn’t picked for any other reason than he was a nice guy. You will not find any negative incidents surrounding this hall of famers name. One important piece of the formula was Gary’s accomplishments occurred before the internet was invented. When I started the account there was maybe 3 articles connected to Gary Carter. After The Thrillist feature on Gary Carter Raw (GCR) it got over 2000 followers in one night. This created new interest of writing the most offensive sports snaps to the growing audience.  Around the same time Maclean Jackson joined the crew, any joke you actually laugh at, or contains more than one layer of thinking, was definitely written by Mac.Since Gary is not on Twitter and there wasn’t much news about him in the last 20 years, our toilet humor joke account was really Gary’s only internet presence.  Until an article last spring alerting the world that “The Kid” had a possibly cancerous brain tumor.  His fans scrambled to the web to reminisce on their favorite Carter moments, plays, photos, quotes… and what did they find? Gary Carter Raw. Mac and I never intended to tarnish the legends legacy in any way. This guy hit 324 home runs in his career, without steroids…  He is a really, really good guy. (Not in the generic, nothing-better-to-say way, in the cool-dad-you-drink-beer-with way). He played with one of the biggest group of major league slimeballs ever, of all time. What have you ever done in your life? Daryl Strawberry would not respect you. Doc Gooden would run your bitch ass off the field. Keith Hernandez would piss and diarrhea and spray paint “faggot” in your locker. And you wouldn’t do shit. Gary Carter won a World Series. Twitter threatened to delete the account because of complaints, so we changed it to Gary UnCarter. Yesterday Gary’s daughter wrote about her fathers condition on her website. To the Carter family we would like to extend our deepest condolences, and sincere apology if we have cause any grief from our immature behavior. If it means anything we have decided to retire the GCR account just as Gary’s jersey is being retired.

Number 8 means alot of things to a lot of people. I just hope  I get a chance to meet him, before he disappears again.

Last Thursday night was the opening of the Damien Hirst Spot Painting exhibit, at every single Gagosian Gallery around the world. The rules with the spots are no two spots are every the same color. Spots are hand painted and space between the spots are equal. Once vowed Hirst would never make another spot painting to increase the existing works value, he un-vowed and made a few more. This is the Gagosian Gallery in Beverly Hills.  Fuck you.

These paintings are all on loan from their owners. It’s kind of like looking into a strangers house. A strange billionaire with no security, alarm, or furniture. What had me spinning was the “Hirst Spot Challenge“. Since no one I know can afford a Spot Painting, except maybe Rick Salomon or my drug dealer… The Gagosian and Damien have come up with a unique contest to get a unique Spot Print for FREE!!! Well, almost free… if you visit every single Gagosian location in the world (Beverly Hills, 3 in New York, 2 in London, Geneva, Athens, Rome, Paris, and Hong Kong) you will get one FREE! All you need is 2 million frequent flier miles, no need for food or sleep, oh.. and you gotta come up with the taxes required when you inherit something worth around 50 Large.

So I got infected with Damien Hirst fever… no not gonorrhea… this indescribably urge to use this challenge as an excuse to go around the world in like 8 days. First I read the rules out loud and waited for reactions. After the initial, “you’re gay” and “how did you get in here?!” A few of my colleagues started brainstorming on how we could affordably travel to 11 galleries internationally.

You can’t mail your card to different cities, you have to be there in person with government i.d.  We started thinking of all the stewardess’ we knew, or military people that can fly free. Then I thought to approach brands. Of course brands would want to be involved in the most sensational contemporary artist of all time. Calling several airlines, cashing in thousands of frequent flyer miles, selling my daughters kidney medication got the price down substantially.  You can fly around the world, on awful airlines, with a million layovers, in coach for about $4,000. Amex and Delta have an “around the world” deal you can do for about $6,000… but its all coach. I got $8,800 all first class… but where will I stay? Do you rent a car in Paris after taking the train from London? What if Steven Vogel maces me for some remark I made 6 years ago? Platinum American Express card holders have a deal where international flights, a companion flies free.  So I tour the globe with a buddy… sell one print to pay for the taxes and expenses… keep the other… but, it is unclear if the print will be worth anything at all. So am i going?

These prints are available right now online. Prices range from $3,500 to $7500. I could just grab one of these and call it a day. No, fuck that. It is an excuse to go around the world. The first time I went to NYC in 2003 was to visit the newly invented Daves Quality Meats. I drove to the train, trained to Boston, took the 4 hours Fung Wa bus to Chinatown NYC. Interviewed Daves for about 30 minutes and journeyed all the way home.  It got me a 5 page spread in Sneaker Freaker. So I feel this is kinda the same thing.

1 down. 10 to go.

Kinky cop.

UPDATE: This blog shows you clearly how to complete the Spot Challenge for $5,768 for 2 people.