Monthly Archives: December 2012

The first thing I noticed about this country was this car that looks like a senior in high school barn project that ran out of money. Then I saw another, and another. Pronounced “Yoot“, the utility coupé was Ford’s answer to a vehicle that could be driven to church on sunday, and carry pigs every other day. No two Utes are the same. In our country the El Camino was popular in the ’70s but was driven out of style by taste and drunk drivers. Not in Australia! The Ute is going hard in the paint. For those of you on school vacation that need a project try making an animated gif out of all these pics to a hilarious soundtrack.

This is the Bondi Beach ute. He says I used to surf, but now I pour foundations in Perth and date miner’s daughters.

This guy will not call you back and is probably related to someone in the band Men At Work, but got damn that is a sexy ute.

Someone that works in a trade is called a “tradie”. You can bet your life this guy dreams of being a plumber… as soon as he finishes uni. (<— university)

How can he sleep? His bed will never burn with a stainless dump action. Most utes are based on Ford Falcons and Holden Commodores.

Caught this blue ute driving on the right, wrong, left side of the road in Palm Beach.

That’s not a BRAT, its a UTE!

Sick roll bar.

Clearly a popular ute.

They arn’t 20′s but he keeps them clean ute.

Shy ute

Sexual predator ute.

Get the word out ute.

Sick ute bra. This SS stands for super smooth…

Actual utility ute.

Rock star parking at Bondi Beach. Same color as a Koala bear.

Reasonable unoffensive ute.

Not a ute but anyone that pays double for a car deserves a pic.

Coffee runner ute

Comfortable yet durable ute.

Searching bus stops for runaways ute.

Don’t put the kettle on, I’m not staying long, ute.

Is it a future concept vehicle? Is it a Japanese guy that only has access to lowrider magazine and a Ford Taurus? Nope… it’ the traditional Australian ute, and they are damn proud of it.

In an old house in Paddington that is covered in grey, lives P. Johnson Tailors in a major way!

Thread clippers adorn this master of fabrics.

P Johnson Tailors is an apointment only bespoke tailor studio. Patrick “Patch” originally went to school for winemaking, but after discovering he was allergic to wine he took up the only other thing that took up most of his time… dressing himself.

Patch has been trained in the arts of English tailoring, and is obsessed with creating a better dressed Australian man.

Hector the bulldog will style on you. What a weapon this guy is.

Remmy taught me how to tie a tie.

Don’t worry, I know most of the readers arn’t prepared for this kind of sophistication. Maybe after Patch gets finished making Kanye’s suit it will get on your radar.

If you have ever been to the Amalfi coast of Italy then you will be familiar with the highest of high end swimwear. Le Sirenuse is only available two places on earth. One of them is here.

What to you get the trust fund baby who has everything? Custom embroidered linen slippers. Patches incomprehensible taste level extends into all aspects of life.

Anyone that has seen my lobster pin this summer now will know the source. Made from tiny watch springs, these lapel accessories make Dee and Rickey look like well… two kids that make shit out of legos.

How many times have you been in the Augusta clubhouse and gotten your shirt mixed up with the other hedge fund managers? Patch Johnson solves that problem with monogramed collars.

Intermittent bulldog interruption.

Contemporary pocket squares. Suddenly Hermés is so old fashion.

Ordinary oak desk. Ordinary for the 13th century and owned by Napoleon when he was banished. Did you know Harrods once sold Lion cubs. It’s true. Patch told me.

Vintage fencing masks are the new Eames chair. Ain’t that right Jason Nichols?

How come my blog shits on every tumblr ever? Modest banana leaf brag.

Thanks for raising my taste to Vicuña levels. Patrick Johnson, the Sartorialist, Selby, and Eric Bana all in one.

For the next 18 days I will be reporting from Sydney Australia. For those of you that have been here none of this will be mind blowing brain wizards, for those that haven’t let me show you everything the land down under has to offer. First obstacle, checking “no” on the “have you been convicted of a felony” box on the immigration papers.

The money is hilarious. Not only is it crazy colors and adorned with people you have never heard of, cept for super hot Queen Elizabeth, the amounts are different sizes. Crikey!

Fresh off the 15 hours first class flight we went for some exercising. Bondi to Bronte. Similar to Runyon Canyon just a shit ton better.

The glorious Ibis roams freely with it’s Hermés enamel bracelets. Locals consider this a garbage bird and are embarrassed I would waste a megabyte of card storage on it.

Parrots just fly around like they own the place. Mostly because Australia stopped being a part of Antarctica like 40 million years ago and the wildlife remained unchanged until the horrid brits sent all the criminals here.

Just like Boston has “Yankees Suck” tee shirts at every gas station. Oz has Koalas at every bottle shop.

This is a salt water crocodile eating a chicken. A very ordinary occurrence here.

This ones name is Rex. They tried to breed it but he ripped every female croc to shreds he was introduced to. Talk about domestic dispute!

Their malls are just like ours. Except they are cleaner, twice as expensive and filled with Lebanese.

North Bondi Italian. Spaghetti in a paper bag! This place is upside down!

They call diapers “nappies”.

The mall food court serves champagne.

The buildings do not have support beams.

High pedestrians have the right of way.

The Château is a train station. Ha!

The tallest point in the city is the Westfield mall!

The have a store for everything.

Dennis Eckersly has an arts and craft store.

Yoga people do downward dingo.

They love Veuve.

If anyone asks “where’s Robby?” just say….Wobbegong. This was the first 24 hours. I have 17 more days of this. Oi!

Remember the last time you saw something here, then two years later saw in it real life? This is another one of those things. Introducing to you Zox Straps. High end, collectible fabric band bracelets. One size fits all. Thermo nuclear graphic injection ensures all Zox Straps to have perfect detailing and coloring. Hey wait a second, that one looks like an Air MAx 95….

I got to have lunch with Jason, the creator/owner of Zox Straps. He told me the story of how this organically came to be. You can read it in detail on their site, but I have never met a happier person. Literally, I have met Jon Buscemi, Spungie and Mr. Happy… none of them can hold a colored ballon to Jason Zox.

All editions are laser numbered on the hand sewn tags. Inside the resealable packaging the strap comes with a collectors card guaranteeing it’s authenticity. Don’t be surprised when you see your favorite brands and artists coming out with their own Zox Strap. Just remember where you saw it first. Next year. When you remember reading this. You should also buy a share of BRK.B so that next year when you remember reading this you will also remember the sweet investment tip I gave you and you can give me my usual 25%.

Art Basel just won’t quit. Here are my selections from the Rubell Family Collection. Then we get back to partying.

I’ll be dead soon. Another Nate Lowman.

Nate Lowmans first check from the gallery owner.

Leather bag illustrator.

Stash did get a piece in the show after all.

SDJ was down there even if he didn’t want anyone to know it.

What do you say to a London Police with a black eye? Nothing you already told him once! If you haven’t heard the album Chaz and Gallo recorded all about dogs you are missing out. Chinese Dog is my favorite.

Enough of this basic party bullshit, let’s hit Star Island. #27 to be exact.

The door lady painted on you cuz that’s what they do on Star Island.

Art on Art on Art.

Right before I was asked to leave for painting over alec monopoly. To which I retorted, i didn’t paint over anyone, cuz that toy is a nobody.

In comunist Russia, art draws you!

Corey Shapiro, is that a dentist visor?

Headshot!

Let’s be honest, I didn’t get to see much art while I was at Art Basel. However I have very focused and responsible friends that held my hand to make sure I made it to the De La Cruz Collection. The Mercedes S 600 with a driver didn’t hurt tho.

Nate Lowman was the star of this years Basel. The bullet hole is called pink escalade, I’m sur eyou are familiar with it. The multicolor pice is called swiss cheese. It is made from the drop cloth in Lowman’s studio. Complete with dirt, footprints, stains and spills… talk about low brow!

Dan Colen who used to share a studio space with Nate Lowman was placed directly next to him. That must be cool, hanging out next to your friend. left: It’s the End of the World as We Know It, 2012. right: Moon/Womb, 2011.

Steel studs. You might know Dan from his chewing gum and confetti work. You’d have to be a big fan of repetition to execute something like this.

Dion G, not very impressed.

Put you hands up for Rudolf Stingel! (he prob has never heard that) Both of these are Untitled, however I imagine he would love some Sneaker Pimps clothing circa 2006!

These should brighten your day. I didn’t get the artists name but when you come visit you will see these in the guest entrance of my spring house.

COLOR CHANGING PAINTING!! Just keep walking…

… oh I get it, life is all about perspective and it’s not how you view the piece it’s how the piece views YOU!

Buying, selling trading art is the new securities market. I call this piece Laurence arguing about the size of the Chuck Close piece he just commissioned.

Sculpture garden.

No sir, the black watercooler is on the second floor.

This is also a Nate Lowman. It wasn’t called Julia, it was more like $20,000,000 garbage.

Free Félix González prints. One says; “No place better than here.” The other says; “Some place better than here.” Gonna look SICK in the children’s gym in my house.

It’s a metaphor.

Now this is some art Dion can let be behind him!

My birthday continued to happen and on a recent trip to Miami some art fair got in the way. I would like to share some insider secrets on how to keep the party going without have any of that weird art shit get in the way. First, check into the Fontiane Bleu, get a cabana and make sure Buff Monster isn’t in it.

Dinner just gets in the way. Basel goers skip all meal and survive on free snacks provided by galleries. I much rather mob into Mr. Chows 8 deep.

Don’t act artsy of they will think you are one of them.

Dion G lives down here. The chick from Boardwalk Empire lives to be noticed.

Never smoke weed in Mr. Chows, but if you do make sure your name is Josh Cooper and it’s name brand kush.

Party responsibly, like with your driver and security guard.

Nick Schonberger doesn’t go to any events after 7pm. He was staying at the hotel next door and gave me approx 15 minutes of conversation.

Bossi was very helpful in navigating around the arts districts.

This club had a ton of familiar faces. Winkelvii, Hiltons, Puff Daddy all trying to escape the constant looming artists.

Lamborghini Hirsty

M. Cohen must be selling a awful lot of bracelets.

Blurry and Puffy

Everyones favoreit real estate agent, Tom Polk.

Living performance art Bossi 

The movie Lincoln would have been a million times better if it was about this guy.

REZA and Kool Kieth justchilling at 5am

Lot’s of yelling in Miami

Dion wanted a pic with a tranny… unfortunately this wasn’t one. Won’t be the last time his is disappointed.

Scarface would be spinning in his fictional grave if he saw what has become of his city.

Matt Rising and Nathaniel Ru, collecting phone numbers… not art.

Form and function… style and addiction. Starbucks has branded the fuck out of me every day from 9am to about 11:30. Since I’m the most sensitive person alive and have baby soft hands I have to take the cardboard sleeve that keeps me from saying “ouchie it’s too hot I can’t even touch it.” You can carry stickers to customize your sleeve or a green marker to make it say “fuck off”. I can barely remember where I work in the morning so these aren’t options. 

Thankfully there is a god tier accessory that is equally bougy and pretentious that I shuddered to think “can even thou pull this off?” That feeling passed, of course I can fucking pull this off, and I finished laying out my scented Hermés drawer liners.

Obligatory unboxing shot.

This is the second greatest moment of my life (sorry sierra). Here is the M. Night Shyamalan moment, THESE ARE MADE FROM SCRAPS OF BIRKIN BAG LEATHER. Petit h is Hermés little turn at recycling all that buttery soft Italian leather that would otherwise be fed to gluttonous French geese. So technically you could get like 40 of these sew them all together… please don’t steal my idea.

Now my female hands no longer have to hold that scratchy cardboard. I didn’t know what I was missing until this was brought into my life.

Paper gangster.