Monthly Archives: June 2012

Last night my new best friend (NBF) Dan Weisman invited me to the Sayers Club to see Sheila E perform. Sayers has the hardest list in Hollywood. Huge artists are invited to play in front of L.A.’s coolest people. Although I did see a few suspects that may have gotten past the doorman. Sheila E is the greatest female drummer of all time. ALL TIME!  She was in Prince’s band, Ringo fucks with her and she is super hot.

Ms Scaggs, singer for Fitz and the Tantrums had a great seat.

Now when you hear about Lenny Kravitz’ retarded twin little brothers you can say, “I already knew that”.

Son of God? More like Son of grossness… walking around barefoot in the club. AGG.

It’s like Dan had never seen a drum before.

Jason Scoppa owns and operates Sayers. He looked at me at least once, but didn’t recognize me.

This was the exact moment I realized Gloria Estefan is a complexity different person.

Lucky Weisman even caught an errant drumstick.

Last week I was invited to visit the Two Brothers Racing and Rokform headquarters. I was like “Santa Ana?!, I’m So L.A. I don’t go south of Pico…”. Vice President Jeff Whitten assured me it would be worth it.  Here we go, Heppler all up in your area.

The tour began with the showroom. Erik Buell called… he wanted a job.

Two Brothers Racing is an after market high performance sport bike and off road accessory company. If you are a herbish shut in with no internet.

Custom made exhaust systems can make your bike faster and sound waaaaayyyy cooler.

Everything Twin Bros. makes is made right here. In this building. OK, a few “O” rings are manufactured down the street but they keep it all in the family, more importantly America.

As a side project the Two Bros. team has started a new website called TDUBZ.com that only sells american made products. The only rule is the product has to be made, sourced, owned and operated in the United States. And the item has to be especially badass.

No, those are cigar tubes. Poker chips, wine.

Randolph Engineering. Oh you know it… ever hear of the movie Top Gun? Or the Military?

Hug-A-Plug is the most underrated invention of our generation. Oh you like Apple product but the wires make your desk look messy? Shut your mouth.

Champions get trophies.  Losers get karma loop gift codes.

Jeff told me some local writers painted the whole office in one night.

Before everyone had tattoos, before there was a thing called freestyle motocross, there was Mike Metzger.

A former bank vault is where the creatives are kept. Dark Knight desktop alert.

Although in the 90′s Jeff Emig won more races than any other rider, he suffered from severe BLD. (Bad Logo Design)

Top secret end cap on a future race machine. I repeat, everything is done in house.

Of course they have a 3d printer that can create working clones in under 4 hours.

Photo studio and CNC machine. You heard me.

These are solid aluminum blocks that are carved into Rokform iPhone 4 cases. Over 90% of this block is waste. Don’t get all West Hollywood on me, they recycle all the waste and grind it down again and again.

I think Mr. Whitten told me they can make 16 cases per day. I wasn’t listening because I had never seen one of these in action. The only thing I can compare it to is Scotty Trillz going to the dentist.

Polaris RZR. They build pipes for it… and you didn’t even know it existed.

Does your company have a dyno built in? No? I thought everyone had these capabilities. It tests exactly how much more speed and horsepower can be gained just by changing your pipe.

These are all the templates for every make and model motorcycle in the world. Except hipster shit, they don’t bother with that.

You are absolulty right, that is carbon fiber… that shit on the bottom of your LeBron’s is just plastic.

Thats a clean bead.

Get Bent! This machine can bend over 200 pipes a day. Ask me how I know!

And that’s how rice rocket pipes are born.

Another side project for the Two Bros. team is Rokform. This station is the Rokbed V3 case with the Nike I.D. online customization activation.

This room is dedicated to protecting your mobile phone. No, seriously.

This is my favorite product invention. The Golf Shooter is basically a stake try-pod, cept its like a one-pod. SO you can perfect your golf swing when you are driving solo. I see so many other uses for it. Stick it out the window on turnpikes. Hang it over the side of a building. Possibilities are LIMITLESS!

10 minutes ago you didn’t know this existed, now you have to have one. I know exactly how you feel.

Yes they make a 24k gold case. All you have to do is give them $299.99 and they give you real gold!

Lot’s more coming from the Two Brothers, Rokform crew, don’t stay tuned, just live you life how you usually do and their products will naturally accommodate you. Damn, 43 photo’s in a blog post… I need some bath salts after this.

Let’s be honest, is a new phrase that seems to be creeping into everyones vocab rotation. If you haven’t heard me say it before, get into advertising.  If you like getting fucked up every day, being surrounded by beautiful people, and being disgustingly overpaid then advertising is for YOU.

Advertising even has it’s own award system.  Not just one, many.  This is the One Show, specifically the “entertainment” portion which is the stuff that isn’t a :30 spot or billboard. There is also D&AD, Cannes, Emmy’s, Addys, 

Always have room for a #BirkinAlert.

Morgan Spurlock was the MC and also filming something else. I can’t write anything abusive because he is more conceited than me… and will surely see this.

Oh my gay god… if it isn’t Abraham Rubin Hercules Benrubi! I had just passed out watching Without A Paddle at the Four Seasons #proudbrag. This guy likes doing voiceovers more than he does leading roles.

Christina Perry Okubo recognized his voice and said “can you say, Protected by Viper?” She thinks all white people sound the same.

I’m not even wearing a jersey and you see my team. Jerome has won the Cheese Hard festival 3 years in a row.

Front row like I was gonna win something. I just had 5 gin and tonics and freaked out when the lady with a period stain accepted her award. (for realsies)

Jimmy Smith rocking blue lobsters like he found them in the Charles River.

Although I can be often found flipping the script, this time I just borrowed the script and returned it to the speaker.

Chris Bruss, the top brass over at Funny Or Die, is about to get a shit ton of emails from kids that want to work at Funnyordie.com!

Former American Rapper Jensen Karp was spotted at The Hundreds SM store with his equally awesome half Meghan Hundreds! Meghan has been more elusive than Kevin Delany’s Molly dealer, we always missed each other by milliseconds until now. Cool story Bro.

It being Fathers day and all Meghan rolled deep with the entire Rother family.

Ben and Spit. Litterally.

Tokimonsta looking so elegant.

My second favorite thing in the world is ice cream. Cool Haus came correct.  Unlike a little place in Kenmore square called “Deli Haus” the manager is a skinner. Ask me how I know!

Ripcord artist Kev D. Suffers from PPD and FOMO.

It started like everybody else’s night…

…With prison stories at the London Hotel with avid DUI collector Ira Jones and my new personal security guard  lieutenant Garret Ross (off duty of course).

Keeping with my current theme of fucking Australia out of it’s natural treasures, Corbin Harris moved to L.A., like 2 hours before this photo. The Darkroom has become a lurkers dream bar so of course we found him there.

In his hometown of Sydney, Corbin is a mini celebrity, I say mini because he is as tall as Deon Point. He has been romantically linked to Kylie Minogue, and lost his virginity to Nicole Kidman. Tamie isn’t famous or special at all.

Ira gets the party started without fail. He also goes as Daniel Stern for Halloween every year without fail.

Just like Heath Ledger, my jokes never get old.  Right Muska?!

Corbin will be announcing for Red Bull during the X-Games. His pro board just came out. AAANNNDDD he has the secret for the ladies on how to pick up Heath Ledger… with a stretcher!

Hard wood floor bed alert!

Chedda I mean Lutenient Ross had to be tucked in as well. Call me… maybe?

Part 2 of the San Fran weekend, began with a ferry ride over to Sausalito. Lot’s of cities have ferries.  Perhaps your have been to New York.  Or met my cousin, the Long Island Fairy. This guy caught crabs.

Here is a picture of the golden gate bridge and some Celine glasses that are sold out world wide.

It’s sunscreen, and the dog likes it.

The offender riding in the Defender. Not a legal parking spot, I wish a mother fucker would try to give me a ticket.

Josh from TRUE invited us to a Kickball in the park thing. Goldengate Park is like the scene from the movie kids kept there are way more emo and soft people. Josh’s click was scary, I could only stay for 2 pics before i became a victim.

Only way to get this Tee is if you work at Stussy, or TRUE

Love vs Hate.

It ended up being FNG‘s vs OG’s… the OG‘s took it by force.

My little buddy Jorge came out to hang. Whore-Hey is an aspiring blogger so I have been mentoring him.  So far he has gotten 2 “cease and desists“, a job at Mekanism, chased home by MS13, and a fuck ton of free clothes and respect.

Hor-Gay is only 19 and killing it. Except he thinks Vans just came into style.

He refused to leave without me signing his hat.

Tam Tam had never been to San Fran. She hasn’t been to Auschwitz either but it’s not a competition. The first thing you do when you arrive in SF is call Mark Arcenal, he will sort out your transportation needs. He pulls up in at GTR and a Blacked out Defender.  I pointed to the Defender, he got in the GTR without saying a word. Well, he may have taken a gram.

Before you do anything make sure you visit Micha at The Hundreds SF store… just like the hat says… it’s on Post.

This is what it looks like when a homeless person moves.

Australian Alex Knudson was our tour guide. I have been to SF at least 8 times and this kid had the crazy locals only facts. Like the original name of the city was Yerba Bueno, which means “Good Weed”.

First stop in the mission, was Freemans Sporting Club, located in the back of a hair cutting place. No Sandusky’s up in here!

If FSC was a hard core band… it might be called NUFAI (no use for an iron!) #jokebook

There was a girl at Chiat/Day they used to call the unicorn… she ended up knocked up by the corniest dude on the planet… so basically there are no unicorns left. Shout of to Paxton Gate for killing it!

Josh Bruner works for TRUE SF. This is him immediately regretting his decision when he realized I was 5 martini’s deep!

Away we go! Part 2 coming up…

Peter Fahey instant messaged me and said: “wanna go to E3?” and I was like: “Did Pol Pot reduce a successful civilization of Cambodia to peasant slaves and death camps?” That’s a yes.  So we went.

Nintendo had a impressive booth… if you are in to 8-bit pixels.  Ha!

What is the new 2013 Viper doing at a video game show? It could have been the most overlooked piece of the show.  The Dodge Viper changes the hood emblem with every body style change.  If there is a car that perfectly embodies my personality and arrogance, this is it.

I would just listen to that Jim Jones “ballin’” song but change the lyrics to “BLOGGIN‘”.

All you have to do to get one is admit you are a John Cena fan… I don’t have one.

Even though it was clearly posted not to… I touched it.

Nerd impostors can easily be identified. The Rolex (vintage, used, common color, trying to hard, not a graduation present) on horse face screams high school basketball star.  While the mushroom princess might be harder to discern, a recently exfoliated face is a dead giveaway of a bro in training.

Just found all these photos on my camera so I will attempt to sew them together.  JB in the Range, A.F. Cray in the Range… nothing rhymes with Holly…

Kirk had a little art show at And Still, Bernardo brought the beard back.

I look so different when I wear tank tops.

Buscemi bringing out clothes he hasn’t worn since ’04.

Here we go #proclamations.

Late night Eveliegh activation.

Luke Adams doing an impression of me.

Kev D with one pink eye.

We out of here.

Little legends.

Oh cool, you have Burt’s Bee’s? No it’s ok, I’ll just use my Chanel lip balm.

GLK’s ruin everything.

Birkin Alert! No I don’t carry one >pause< I use them as pillows.

To keep my current theme of iced out players balling out of control I’d like to introduce some of my friends to you. Jimmy Smith aka “Sequel” and is way more dangerous looking than his un-twin brother Jarrel, aka “Kermit” (don’t ask). When they are not living in Greece or Germany playing professional basketball they like to make stuff.

What do they make? Well a few years ago Rel made a fake Twitter account for the infamous Ron Burgandy. The world was obsessed with the catch phrase infused tweets and he got over 200,000 followers. The account has long been removed by the twitter police but not before Rel collected $12,000 checks… every week… for 6 months… (don’t ask).

Then they were asked by David Banner to make a video for his new song with Chris Brown. 4 days later they came back with this. (pic unrelated).

KTJB Presents is Kermit, Tray Cheatham, Jimmy and…

Behdad!!! Behdad Sami is a whole ‘nother entrepreneurial monster. The worlds first Iranian American professional basketball player, completes this creative force. He has multiple sponsorships, an upcoming iPhone RPG game, and is 779 follower short of 50,000 on Twitter. (RELAX Behdad)

Back to their little stop motion video… it was featured on BET, has over 100k hits on youtube… but unless you want your feelings hurt, don’t look at how many views it got on World Star…

On top of being viral video producing super geniuses, they spend about 4 hours a day in the gym (lifestying points), they eat like pro athletes, well Tray doesn’t, and they think IMDB is a dating site.

Tune in next blog when I show you how to make a homeless person sign that says “WILL NOT EAT YOUR FACE FOR FOOD”