Monthly Archives: March 2011

For weeks I had been looking forward to Seth Macfarlane at Club Nokia.  It almost looked like I wasn’t going to make it because of work and Blake Griffin’s dumb ass. But I made it on time only to find a giant sign that informed me that absolutely no photos or videos allowed inside.  Melissa had the camera in her purse and I went through the metal detectors first and figured I’d just take the hit. While I was getting wanded I saw a folded up $10 bill on the ground.  I picked it up and gave it to the security guy.  When Melissa went through and set off the metal detector, the guard just nodded to me.  I was instantly pissed I left my gun in the shrubbery. Instead you get this blog post.

It wasn’t what you would expect. Seth sang 50′s style big band music.  No jokes, no parodies… well… a few jokes.

Sexy Sax Man performs “It’s Anybody’s Spring” by Adolf Van Huesan… back when it was still ok to name your kid Adolf.

Sort of run out of creative ways to take photos after awhile.

Then Kenny Rogers… I mean, Seth Macfarlane’s dad was introduced and he came to party.

I know exactly how he feels… wasted.

Chairman of the board. I was thinking that people say I look like Seth Macfarlane, it’s cool to be confused with celebrities… well.. unless people confuse you with Precious.

Nate Keegan hung out for a few hours. He does what he wants, when he wants… just like the honey badger.

If you don’t live in NYC or LA you are dead. Is what a conceited person on mushrooms might interject if you mention any other city in the world.  But on this day in Hollywood I finally got around to being invited to Buff Monster‘s studio. See it does rain here.

Buff Monster is celebrating 10 year anniversary of the day he first drew his little character.  ’01-’11. How awesome is that? I haven’ heard of anyone doing that before, I mean… Harley Davidson did it… and brands like that.  But 10 years of plastering the world with his provocative pink messages.

Did you know pink is the toughest of all the colors?

Awwweee cute, this is how wheat pastes are born! Buff Monster burns and pulls all his own posters in house. I really wanted to get this feature up months ago… but Juxtapoz beat me to it.

I wonder what he has in-store for the 25th anniversary?  Yeah, your right, probably more wheat pastes.

Buff Monster cites Heavy Metal music as a major influence.

provocative |prəˈväkətiv|
adjective
causing annoyance, anger, or another strong reaction, esp. deliberately

Hey Buff can you show me your artistic process?  First he starts with a thumbnail sketch…

Then a larger more detailed pencil drawing.

Then you have the finished piece.  Buff Monster mostly works on wood panels because he likes the surface.

These pieces were all wrapped up for his upcoming show in London. It’s on April 28 at StolenSpace if you are in the area!

“Hey, are these your testers for the Garfield painting you did last year?!”
“No, I just like drawing trees.”

These are just studies in painting mountains.  Testing how different enamel reacts with the colors.  When I asked if he used drugs or drinks alot… he said “I honestly don’t have time.”

The latest thing in L.A. graffiti is instantly bombing the fuck out of any business that closes.  Instead of train yards this generation of urban artists look for LEASE signs or comb real estate fliers to scout locations.

I like the currentness of this… but I’m pretty sure it’s the same person that was doing the MORON cigarette packs.  Not very impressive… I don’t think this kid is going to single handedly stop smoking… or facebooking. This one gets a “N” for NERD.

This one is like just a decoration.  With some slight modification to make it look like she is eating a banana… seems like it should have been a funny interoffice email from Jeremy Stabile… not a risk your life, trespassing, private property destruction, take a stance on something. “R” for RELAX.

I actually like SEIZER, he has been doing it longer than any other poser artist on this wall and instead of a tag he just does his face… like. what’s up now, it’s my face. Also you may notice the pointy cheek shadows are reminiscent of Shepard Fairy Andre face shading… there is a reason for that. “C” for CLEAN.

Oh crap, I forgot Kinkos doesn’t discriminate against hipsters. It did however make me giggle. “I” for IRONY NOT LOST ON ME.

Jesus Christ if you’re going to try and teach me something, don’t use a fact the entire planet including armless babies in Sierra Leone already know. Like, someone do a wheat paste that says UNCLE PHIL WAS THE VOICE OF SHREDDER! “S” for SCREWFACE.

And just like that… it was gone.

I freaked out when I saw this because I thought I discovered a new Banksy. Nope, it’s just Septerhed. “G” for GOT YA BITCH!

The BAPE store receives the same treatment.  It’s very public storefront is like being in the LACMA for artist… actually this prob gets more attention because who the fuck goes to museums anymore. Look how rad I am for getting the Melrose street sign in the photo as Delonte West says…”I boned ya moms!”

Shepard got some good placement, and the worst artist of all time put his waste of time posters underneath.

I bet if you call the number on the “for lease” sign you could make an offer for the neon window dressing.

Hmmmmm I wonder where the sign went… I can definitely tell you where it isn’t! … in Nigo’s possession!

In an attempt to be random this would be a great photo, except i know this guy it’s Geoffrey Schumann, and he carries that everywhere.

Among the things I did this weekend my lawyer says I can show you is attend a sporting game event.

I brought a pair of Opening Ceremony Levis with me.

True legends.  First the ability to vote, then getting your form flattering jersey in some dark corner of the Staple Center.  What’s next? Stay at home dads?

The team that’s owned by Phil Knight, played the team that no body wants.

So if you’re not that into basketball, or professional anything for that matter, I’ll show you how to spend 2 hours at a men’s sweating banquet. I totally caught this guy looking at porn.  Here he is reading Penthouse Letters.

Good to see cheerleaders that are actually in shape. (easy on the cornsryrup Auburn)

“So Allen, how do you feel about being this close to a black girl?”

Chris Hutchinson got a new job?

The red light means that’s what the outside world sees. This guy is clearly on a power trip.

The point guard was wearing Jordans.

On any other day making an earthquake joke here would be funny.

If you’re under the age of 18 or me, not wearing socks is cute.  When your fucking old you think that’s what your smelling every time you bring a nacho to your face.

While waiting for the short players NBA dreams to be squandered you can text your friends.

I haven’t been this excited about anything since I had a salt water reef aquarium and my live rock spit out a mantis shrimp. (peep Gary Payton cold lampin’ in the cut)

Steven Tyler is getting tons of work now.

So Russell came to L.A. to help out on this American Idol shoot.  Helped write scripts, run the teleprompter, set photographer… and whatever else I could make him do in the 72 hours he was here. He used to write for Big Brother back in the day which is all the credentials I need to prove someone isn’t a mark, herb, buster, skinner, scram, buster, lame, clown, nerd, zark.

Due to contractual reasons I can’t show you any photos of the idols. Which sucks for you because I had like 30 real jokes.. like actual funny ones. Walking distance from CBS studios is the Kibitz Room. Russel wouldn’t shut up about it’s history so I made up my own story.  Marc Canter heir to the famous Jewish deli Canters went to Fairfax High with Guns and Roses.

This is the first stage GNR ever preformed on.  But why would the hardest rockers ever hang out with a chubby Jewish kid?  Free Food.  That was his in.  He got to hang out because Axel, Slash, Duff, and the replaceable one because he hooked up free corned beef sandwiches.

So this chubby yiddish fella also owned a camera… suddenly the chubby spoiled matzo ball champion is johnny on the spot and he has all the first photos of GNR performing Appetite for Destruction… wait.. weren’t they called L.A. Guns first?

So the genius son of a sandwich maker, is now an author of a book which is apparently is “The best rock n roll book ever written” according to Slash. Who apparently has never read: Elvis in the Twilight of Memory by June Juanico, Unbelievable: The Life, Death and Afterlife of the Notorious B.I.G. by Cheo Hodari Coker, Take It Like A Man by Boy George, Clubland, by Frank Owen or anything on the sale rack at Boarders. This place pisses me off,  I’m now searching all my GNR tape inserts for photo evidence of half a eaten pastrami next to the drum kit.  I’m sure this legendary book also takes credit for GNR’s success by being the best fed band in history.

Russel lives for this place.  I wasn’t impressed, I actually felt the exact same when Use Your Illusion II came out.  meh.

Rick Kosick came by to tell us the video of him being shot in the face with a dildo leaked and is quickly going viral. I hope that makes it on his IMDB page.

Then we did something you NEVER do in L.A.….. walk.

Back at CBS Melissa was very proud of directing something I can’t even pretend to show you.

Waiting for these singing nerds almost made me F-A-I-N-T.

Who cut the lights on?

Someone snuck a Flintstones vitamin in my Adderall… they are not meant to be snorted.

Are you even ready for this?

I’ll give you these awesome tits before I even get into pictures of me with ever celebrity you wish you ever saw.

I can’t even pretend like Rick Kosick and Preston Lacey weren’t hanging out dolo.  Did you know that Rick Kosick grew up in John Wayne Gacy’s house as a child?

Bobby though he was awesome for hanging out with Kat… but since he has never cheated on the person he loves it doesn’t even count.

Terry Kennedy was there.

Wee Man the tiny taco king didn’t disappoint.

Russel Bongard is an unemployed creative director from SF that hung out with me for the night.

If you know anything about anything Mike Carrol and Brandon Biebel are fucking OG. Weird OG.

Have I fully described how intense this night was? Shepard Fairy was even bar tending! (thats fucking KID from KID AND PLAY)

Tiny Taco’s were all up in there.

Ever hear of Lance Bangs?  Well then read Bobby’s blog because he nutted all over this guy already.

Slow moving gangsters.

I think Jewel is married to one of these guys.

Did you know this guy is responsible for alot of people eating well right now. Jeff Tremain.

It’s so convenient when you have a good camera man around.

Some people say we look alike.. just I’m cuter. Or maybe younger if you’re keeping score.

Ryan Dunn did whatever he wanted. Although it wasn’t even his birthday.

Bam was three millimeters from flying off the handle. (not shown, my hands protecting my nuts)

Yes I got my picture taken with every single one of them… you know why?  Because I can… I can also appreciate it more than some jaded skater fuck from New York.  Because you know why?  I will make more money this year than 85% of you queers reading this and I will move to a place that land cost 11gs an acre and I won’t have to put up with your gross diseases, or your busche league terrorism.  I’ll just look at my facebook comments and tell the cattle farmers how rad I was while everyone they know gets cancer aids.

I’m afraid of heights so I didn’t go on the rides.  But this girl that is clearly hired talent did!

Danger Eren got a platinum tooth with a real black diamond in it.  He scratch a Budweiser bottler to show it off.  If you watch the movie a Lamborghini rips his tooth out.

Even the gift bag was better than half the shit you did today. And I don’t even have a Blu Ray Player.

Even nerd ass Russel had fun. He hates everything.

A few weeks ago I made a shit ton of money freelancing so I grabbed this girl and said let’s go to Cabo. If I have never said it before, kids, whatever you do, get into advertising.

It’s only a 2 hour trip from LA so you can be on the beach before the percocets fully kick in.

From the beach you could see whales, baby manta rays and this guy you lets you ride a donkey.

I know, you have seen this view before. (he said to all the people that have stayed in the penthouse of the Cabo Azul)

So many places to sit.

Get that mother fucking starfish off that mother fucking bed.

I charged the camera battery but didn’t finish the task and put it back in the camera… So to steal a phrase I really “phoned this one in” and had to use the iphone for the entire trip.

We walked into town which is really off the resort.  Stray dogs roam free.  Restaurants will do anything for 7 pesos.  This band took requests.  So for 10 pesos they played the entire TOOL Aenima album, and threw in this Slipknot song for free.

I am a semi professional tanner, but being this close to the equator is like playing in Denver. You can make tons of excuses as to why your skin hurts so bad. Pain is weakness leaving the body, at least that’s what I tell my victims.

The Palmilla is the highest luxury I have ever experienced.  I didn’t even know this existed.  Now that I do, the Ritz and Four Seasons are like shitty airport motels.  Literally. Any other place that claims to be a resort is a waste of money.  This place ruined my taste level.  So I got a parrot fish, and I get into this loud drunk tale about how they eat coral and shit sand… and I demand to see the head of this fish.

The superior waitstaff got the carcass out of the trash and brought it out for me.

I found this puffer fish.  It was dead.

Did I mention it was the coldest day in Mexico’s history?  You probably wouldn’t know that because you hung around poor people back in the states.  It was so cold they gave you Mexican ponchos.  Not so much gave as took.

Mike was on leave from Afghanistan. Unfortunately I can’t say all the awesome government secrets he told me.

Clockwise from top: Chanel, Supreme North Face, Louis Roller, Louis Duffel. (Not Shown: Rea Carruth Trunk, Danny LaPlante dumpster, Precious Lunch Box.)

Then it’s back to L.A. to show off my tan, and make up fake names at Starbucks.

On the second floor of this Tess covered building is the new location of Soldier Design.  What is Soldier Design you ask? Well, Boston has a few full service agencies… The dinosaur Arnold, the dying Modernista… and the elusive Barbarian Group.  Besides that… you can either be a waitress at Match, or ask Bobby Soldier for a job.  Bobby chose this new location because of the size, err location and… it’s haunted.

You don’t have laser cut steel plates pronouncing your entrance?

One of Soldier Design’s last projects was for Dustin Pedroia.  I know you haven’t heard of him, but people in Massachusetts sacrifice well fed babies in his name.  He is also the “Laser Show” guy.

He has done work for Under Armour.  They sign checks on the front, not on the back.

This giant Wacom tablet is bigger than the monitor. And look at the little clean freak glove he wears to use it!

My what blue doors you have.

So some nights Bobby Soldier stays extra late to try and see the ghosts that run amok in the space.

Wait Bobby no.. don’t go in there…!!!

It’s just me trying on over sized jackets in the dark.