So Thursday morning I woke up listening to The Blow, and Gawker told me the 33 Chilean Miner’s had landed in L.A. I vowed to myself I will meet them… or at least get a photo with one. I had no connections to anything mine related, and don’t know anyone from Chili, but I double dog dared myself and became obsessed.
I started name dropping Chilean miners to see if it would grab anyone’s attention at Starbucks… “Hey you know where I can find Florencio Alverez?; Ha, yeah me and Pablo Rojas are going to the Do Over.. you coming…” No bites. So the pity party began and I invited Chris Kasick over for dinner to discuss my dilemma. He told me there was this CNN Hero’s party and he had tickets he would like to give me because he isn’t gay and hates lame shit. This photo is just a reminder to anyone that plans on attending my wake to make a funeral collage for me, please print this one out.
24 hours or maybe a little less, the 33 un-trapped Chilean Miners were all standing in front of me! I could see Edison Pena the Elvis Presely fan just standing there refusing to die. Fucking Mario Gomez chillin’ in the cut hoping no one finds out he has been stealing toilet paper from every public bathroom he visits. But this was not enough for me, I need to touch one.
The dude from 24 talked about how he has suffered with attached earlobes his entire life.
The girl that had sex with Billy Bob Thorton and doesn’t get arrested when she leaves the scene of accidents had something to say that was not related to Chilean miners so I didn’t pay attention.
This man, Aki Ra, disables land mines in Cambodia. But he was completely unprepared for the live Zellweger lurking directly behind him.
Anderson Cooper is a Vanderbilt. Which means he was born a billionaire. He doesn’t ever have to work. He could buy CNN and make it a porn station. But instead he plows through bureaucracy searching for truth while maintaining neutrality and journalistic integrity. Oh, and he is definitely not gay. You think just because he is super good looking and dresses well that means he is automatically gay? Well he doesn’t have time for a relationship.
Please. A moment of blog silence for the most talented entertainer of all time.
So I got into the after party by saying I was Anderson Cooper’s boyfriend. I grabbed some food and a table and began my Chilean miner plotting. Tom Morello and his wife joined me. He is only the Keith Richards of our generation. So we are just chilling and he says “Rob, are you a basketball fan?”, and I knew exactly what he was going to say. Dikembe Mutumbo was standing right behind me. All 7’2″ of him. So I had to tell the table the only Dikembe story I know…
The time is the early 1990′s. The setting is a Georgetown bar. Our protagonist is the 7’2″ Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo. Mutombo walks into the bar. The place goes silent. All eyes turn to the big guy. And he bellows out in his super-baritone voice, “WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?!??” Before I could bath in the laughter I bring to everyone’s life… I saw them
CHILEAN MINERS! These guys promised me they will never die. On the left we got soon to be proactive client Jimmy Sanchez, 19, the youngest of the trapped miners. On the right: Renán Ávalos, 29, is the brother of Florencio Ávalos, the first man saved from the mine. He and his brother began working at the mine several months ago after leaving the grape harvesting business. Renan Ávalos was among the miners who helped handle supplies. All these guys care about is breathing air, and white girls.
Oh!… you didn’t think I would find Ariel Ticona? Who helped set up an underground communications system. Ticona comes from a mining family. His wife gave birth to their daughter Esperanza (Hope) weeks after the mine collapsed. Ariel speaks less English than Terri Schiavo. I love drinking with minors.
Ha! Look at crazy Richard Villarroel peaking over in the back, Richard is a mechanic in his 20s who relatives described as a happy person and soon-to-be father. After stepping out of the rescue capsule Villarroel happily held up a Chilean flag and then hugged sometimes teary-eyed relatives, rescue workers and officials at the site.
See, if you put your mind to it, and you have influential friends you can accomplish anything.