Monthly Archives: November 2010

Everyone has a fat friend. Judging by the husky section at Ross some of you probably have more than one.  The best part about my fat friends is their food and drink knowledge. Plus they me me look skinny! Bruce Bruce on the unemployed left, and Mac on the Corky Thatcher right.

This is Bernardo, he wishes he was fat.  He does however have the knak for getting lost a lot.  I taught him to look for the building with the blue top and stand under it.  Someone will come find him when we notice he is missing.

Right by my house is Umami Burger.  Jenn Klein brought me here my first day in L.A. I gave it up for awhile because I was unhappy with the same Truffle burger I ordered every time (only because it was the most expensive) but have since started ordering the Port Stilton cuz of the blue cheese snitch.

These are the hand made jewels that Umami creates to appease the fat gods which it summons every meal.

These burgers are top heavy, just like Bruce. Mac said you have to flip the burger over so the blood will rush to it’s head.

Another feature at Umami, if your drawings are good enough they will hang them on the wall.  I have not had one up there…yet.

If it was 1998 I would have made a T-Shirt of this.

They also sell “Mexican Coke” which they want you to believe is made with real sugar and not corn syrup. Sorry hipsters. Fat people photograph about as well as JonBenet Ramsey’s Ghost.

There is a stereotype that fat white chicks fuck black dudes… it’s true.  You know who fucks fat white dudes?  No one.

Oh cool, Neckface does murals!

Part of Los Angeles culture is going to the gym, sometimes twice a day. I’m not sure these two have caught on to that yet.  Happy Holidays nerds!

So Thursday morning I woke up listening to The Blow, and Gawker told me the 33 Chilean Miner’s had landed in L.A. I vowed to myself I will meet them… or at least get a photo with one.  I had no connections to anything mine related, and don’t know anyone from Chili, but I double dog dared myself and became obsessed.

I started name dropping Chilean miners to see if it would grab anyone’s attention at Starbucks… “Hey you know where I can find Florencio Alverez?; Ha, yeah me and Pablo Rojas are going to the Do Over.. you coming…”  No bites.  So the pity party began and I invited Chris Kasick over for dinner to discuss my dilemma.  He told me there was this CNN Hero’s party and he had tickets he would like to give me because he isn’t gay and hates lame shit.  This photo is just a reminder to anyone that plans on attending my wake to make a funeral collage for me, please print this one out.

24 hours or maybe a little less, the 33 un-trapped Chilean Miners were all standing in front of me!  I could see Edison Pena the Elvis Presely fan just standing there refusing to die.  Fucking Mario Gomez chillin’ in the cut hoping no one finds out he has been stealing toilet paper from every public bathroom he visits. But this was not enough for me, I need to touch one.

The dude from 24 talked about how he has suffered with attached earlobes his entire life.

The girl that had sex with Billy Bob Thorton and doesn’t get arrested when she leaves the scene of accidents had something to say that was not related to Chilean miners so I didn’t pay attention.

This man, Aki Ra, disables land mines in Cambodia.  But he was completely unprepared for the live Zellweger lurking directly behind him.

Anderson Cooper is a Vanderbilt. Which means he was born a billionaire.  He doesn’t ever have to work.  He could buy CNN and make it a porn station.  But instead he plows through bureaucracy searching for truth while maintaining neutrality and journalistic integrity.  Oh, and he is definitely not gay. You think just because he is super good looking and dresses well that means he is automatically gay?  Well he doesn’t have time for a relationship.

Please.  A moment of blog silence for the most talented entertainer of all time.

So I got into the after party by saying I was Anderson Cooper’s boyfriend. I grabbed some food and a table and began my Chilean miner plotting.  Tom Morello and his wife joined me.  He is only the Keith Richards of our generation.  So we are just chilling and he says “Rob, are you a basketball fan?”, and I knew exactly what he was going to say. Dikembe Mutumbo was standing right behind me.  All 7’2″ of him.  So I had to tell the table the only Dikembe story I know…

The time is the early 1990′s. The setting is a Georgetown bar. Our protagonist is the 7’2″ Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo. Mutombo walks into the bar. The place goes silent. All eyes turn to the big guy. And he bellows out in his super-baritone voice, “WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?!??” Before I could bath in the laughter I bring to everyone’s life… I saw them

CHILEAN MINERS!  These guys promised me they will never die.  On the left we got soon to be proactive client Jimmy Sanchez, 19, the youngest of the trapped miners. On the right: Renán Ávalos, 29, is the brother of Florencio Ávalos, the first man saved from the mine. He and his brother began working at the mine several months ago after leaving the grape harvesting business. Renan Ávalos was among the miners who helped handle supplies. All these guys care about is breathing air, and white girls.

Oh!… you didn’t think I would find Ariel Ticona? Who helped set up an underground communications system. Ticona comes from a mining family. His wife gave birth to their daughter Esperanza (Hope) weeks after the mine collapsed. Ariel speaks less English than Terri Schiavo. I love drinking with minors.

Ha! Look at crazy Richard Villarroel peaking over in the back, Richard is a mechanic in his 20s who relatives described as a happy person and soon-to-be father. After stepping out of the rescue capsule Villarroel happily held up a Chilean flag and then hugged sometimes teary-eyed relatives, rescue workers and officials at the site.

See, if you put your mind to it, and you have influential friends you can accomplish anything.

At the beginning of my road there is a tall building.  It’s been there as long as I can remember.  I recently discovered that it is home to one of Hollywood’s most respected talent agencies. The Daniel Hoff Agency.  I thought “I’m Talented” why not see what happens.

Exactly 3 minutes later I was surrounded by people that were visibly more talented, and even 2 were better looking.  I recognized the look on their faces. It’s the exact same face you make right before your first shower in state prison.  They were all holding head-shots and whispering the same lines over… and over.

Clearly there have been foot issues in the past.

After braving what I believe the industry calls a “cattle call,” I suddenly found myself inside the dream maker.

This is what it looks like.  All that plastic surgery, dieting, working out, crying in my pillow, watching Titanic 3 times a day, growing my hair to a sexually ambiguous length. I had the lines memorized in the hallway.  I could say them with my eyes closed, I could say them in broken Spanish. I had eyebrows and inflections even a giggle programmed.  When I got in front of this Sony Handycam I resorted to a weak Harey Carey impersonation.

Daniel Hoff is in control of this young woman’s future right now.  Just being super hot isn’t enough in this city (believe me I know). Is that an African Grey Parrot?

Danny is a good friend, (at least he was until I posted this) He told me straight up I would need to take classes if I was to be serious about this. I guess we will see very soon what happens.

Running into your friends in a small city like Portland is nothing. Here in L.A. I can go months without seeing someone in passing (That’s because you don’t have any friends fat boy) But when your friends from Portland that you were texting end up at the same restaurant, at the same time, and neither of you had reservations that’s fucking bizarre.

The people at this table control everything you will see and hear over the next year.  If you see and hear things that are on T.V. and the radio and every billboard, have ever drank soda or wore sneakers.  If not than this doesn’t apply to you. Brandon, Mike, and Sheena are in town for some Nike stuff.  They already told me three times I cannot speak about what they are working on. Sheena is a creative director on Coke… man that never gets old.

Brandon Drew Jordan Pierce is a copywriter on Nike. But in his off time he is Portland’s hottest rap phenomenon. He has as many hit singles as he does ex-wives.

There’s no recession in advertising.

Osteria Mozza will have a new mayor in 5 more check-in’s.

Oh, look who else is here. Kirk Hammett. It’s weird meeting someone that made the soundtrack to pivotal points in my childhood and could buy the entire block. Even though I called him Lars like 5 times.

I never thought I could top last years Halloween party at the National Lampoon mansion. Which I was unprepared and equally under-dressed.  This year I should have read the invite more thoroughly. I went as either Lebrons #1 fan, or guy from 1991, or kid that wished he went as any of the good costumes he saw when he walked in.

Parking on Sunset there was a shuttle to take us up to the mansion in Beverly Hills.

Cept the shuttle bus got stuck.

And we had to walk up the hill.

But when we arrived it was worth it.

I mean they trashed a Cadillac just to decorate one night.

The entire house was fully themed out, I estimate they spent $20,000 just on decorations.

Some costumes are better than others.

Karl

Eastbound and Down star, as well as the Oompah Loompah that was replicated in the Johnny Depp Willy Wonka, and one of only six actors to appear in both Star Trek and Star Wars franchise’s. Deep Roy.

Leeloo

Great Hunter S. execution.

Awesome Joaquin

Brokeback to the future..

Heidi Klum and Seal. Scarred face makeup and all.  You know “What Happened to Seal’s face” is the number 2 pop culture question? The number one? “How did Tina Fey get that scar?

Gilligan at soccer practice… just kicking it.

Interview with a Vampire was refreshing, it seemed like everyone was a boring loser vampire.  Kim Jong Il nicely done.  And a small face hundred… lil Ben Franklin.  Hey, you think Ben Hundreds only has Big Faced hundreds?.. you know… cuz he has a big face?

There were 4 people dressed as real Avatars.  5 hours of makeup.

Saudis in Audis.

Birkin spotted!

I am planing next years costume now.  I will not be shown up by these herbs ever again.