I am not a sports fan. But I am a white American boy which means my DNA includes all aspect of sports knowledge. More than half is dedicated to Red Sox history. The other half is obscure players names I memorized from my extensive baseball card collection. One player that paralleled my childhood was Gary Carter.  “The Kid” was his nick-name, fittingly. It seemed every pack of Donruss, Fleer, Topps, Upperdeck, Sportlflicks, Score, Bowman, and the dreaded Oh-Pee-Chee always contained a smiling blue and orange catcher. No matter how many places I moved, schools I changed, or friends I made, Gary Carter was always smiling back at me from Shea Stadium somewhere in Queens New York.

Gary and I parted ways some time in Junior High. He may have had a cameo in a game of stickball in some run down park in East Boston when anyone one playing catcher was automatically Gary Carter. Or if I met someone with the last name Carter I would immidiatley sarcastically ask, “Any relation to THE Gary Carter?”. But soon Gary disappeared from my life completely.

Until January of 2010. When brainstorming about creating a parody sports twitter account I was thinking of which ’80s Baseball star to ghost write hilarious, offensive, inappropriate insights into other forgotten, obscure professional athletes. On this day Gary Carter Raw was born. Gary was chosen because he was the most unassuming character. He won the World Series with Darryl Strawberry, Ron Darling, Bob Ojeda, and the 3 run homer by Howard Johnson. I imagined Gary on the Met’s plane with everyone celebrating telling Darryl Strawberry, “Hey Straw, let’s chill out on the drugs, she has had enough…” or just keeping order to a team of wild-boys that just won the World Series. The fake Twitter account wasn’t intended for anything other than a place to store our jokes. Gary wasn’t picked for any other reason than he was a nice guy. You will not find any negative incidents surrounding this hall of famers name. One important piece of the formula was Gary’s accomplishments occurred before the internet was invented. When I started the account there was maybe 3 articles connected to Gary Carter. After The Thrillist feature on Gary Carter Raw (GCR) it got over 2000 followers in one night. This created new interest of writing the most offensive sports snaps to the growing audience.  Around the same time Maclean Jackson joined the crew, any joke you actually laugh at, or contains more than one layer of thinking, was definitely written by Mac.Since Gary is not on Twitter and there wasn’t much news about him in the last 20 years, our toilet humor joke account was really Gary’s only internet presence.  Until an article last spring alerting the world that “The Kid” had a possibly cancerous brain tumor.  His fans scrambled to the web to reminisce on their favorite Carter moments, plays, photos, quotes… and what did they find? Gary Carter Raw. Mac and I never intended to tarnish the legends legacy in any way. This guy hit 324 home runs in his career, without steroids…  He is a really, really good guy. (Not in the generic, nothing-better-to-say way, in the cool-dad-you-drink-beer-with way). He played with one of the biggest group of major league slimeballs ever, of all time. What have you ever done in your life? Daryl Strawberry would not respect you. Doc Gooden would run your bitch ass off the field. Keith Hernandez would piss and diarrhea and spray paint “faggot” in your locker. And you wouldn’t do shit. Gary Carter won a World Series. Twitter threatened to delete the account because of complaints, so we changed it to Gary UnCarter. Yesterday Gary’s daughter wrote about her fathers condition on her website. To the Carter family we would like to extend our deepest condolences, and sincere apology if we have cause any grief from our immature behavior. If it means anything we have decided to retire the GCR account just as Gary’s jersey is being retired.

Number 8 means alot of things to a lot of people. I just hope  I get a chance to meet him, before he disappears again.

Last Thursday night was the opening of the Damien Hirst Spot Painting exhibit, at every single Gagosian Gallery around the world. The rules with the spots are no two spots are every the same color. Spots are hand painted and space between the spots are equal. Once vowed Hirst would never make another spot painting to increase the existing works value, he un-vowed and made a few more. This is the Gagosian Gallery in Beverly Hills.  Fuck you.

These paintings are all on loan from their owners. It’s kind of like looking into a strangers house. A strange billionaire with no security, alarm, or furniture. What had me spinning was the “Hirst Spot Challenge“. Since no one I know can afford a Spot Painting, except maybe Rick Salomon or my drug dealer… The Gagosian and Damien have come up with a unique contest to get a unique Spot Print for FREE!!! Well, almost free… if you visit every single Gagosian location in the world (Beverly Hills, 3 in New York, 2 in London, Geneva, Athens, Rome, Paris, and Hong Kong) you will get one FREE! All you need is 2 million frequent flier miles, no need for food or sleep, oh.. and you gotta come up with the taxes required when you inherit something worth around 50 Large.

So I got infected with Damien Hirst fever… no not gonorrhea… this indescribably urge to use this challenge as an excuse to go around the world in like 8 days. First I read the rules out loud and waited for reactions. After the initial, “you’re gay” and “how did you get in here?!” A few of my colleagues started brainstorming on how we could affordably travel to 11 galleries internationally.

You can’t mail your card to different cities, you have to be there in person with government i.d.  We started thinking of all the stewardess’ we knew, or military people that can fly free. Then I thought to approach brands. Of course brands would want to be involved in the most sensational contemporary artist of all time. Calling several airlines, cashing in thousands of frequent flyer miles, selling my daughters kidney medication got the price down substantially.  You can fly around the world, on awful airlines, with a million layovers, in coach for about $4,000. Amex and Delta have an “around the world” deal you can do for about $6,000… but its all coach. I got $8,800 all first class… but where will I stay? Do you rent a car in Paris after taking the train from London? What if Steven Vogel maces me for some remark I made 6 years ago? Platinum American Express card holders have a deal where international flights, a companion flies free.  So I tour the globe with a buddy… sell one print to pay for the taxes and expenses… keep the other… but, it is unclear if the print will be worth anything at all. So am i going?

These prints are available right now online. Prices range from $3,500 to $7500. I could just grab one of these and call it a day. No, fuck that. It is an excuse to go around the world. The first time I went to NYC in 2003 was to visit the newly invented Daves Quality Meats. I drove to the train, trained to Boston, took the 4 hours Fung Wa bus to Chinatown NYC. Interviewed Daves for about 30 minutes and journeyed all the way home.  It got me a 5 page spread in Sneaker Freaker. So I feel this is kinda the same thing.

1 down. 10 to go.

Kinky cop.

UPDATE: This blog shows you clearly how to complete the Spot Challenge for $5,768 for 2 people.

Milk crates full of arts and crafts materials. Lot’s of pink. Grimey downtown L.A. can only mean one thing…

Buff Monster! He was painting the mural at pɹɐpuɐʇs ǝɥʇ Hotel. This is day two in progress.

This is a the sketch of what it’s going to look like.  See he does put thought into it! Clearly it is the the journey a young ice cream cone must walk in the land of boob ice cream and candy cane dicks.

However, We have all seen an artist paint a mural before. It just so happens Buff Monster has to paint while a judicial travesty has happened. Today Buff is joined by his father, Bernard von NotHaus. Get comfortable, you won’t be this excited about reading since you found a copy of Legshow under your Uncle Gary’s Marshall stack in Sudbury.

Buff Monster was raised in Hawaii.  He recalls making gold coins on Saturdays for his fathers business. Bernard von NotHaus created a thing called “Private Currency“, you know like paper certificates that represented piles of silver and gold he had in a warehouse in Indiana. Just like our own money represented before massive inflation devalued our current monetary system.

Bernard von NotHaus created the Liberty Dollar. Certificates that represented real silver, gold and copper. At the height of the Liberty Dollar there was over 20 million dollars worth in circulation. Mostly in the coin collector community, like the sneaker community but with real worth. My favorite is the $20 Silver coin with the gun on it.

After the Patriot Act was passed on Sept 12, 2001 the war on terror and hysteria about terrorist on our own soil was rampant.  We got to invade Iraq and Afghanistan as well as illegally search and arrest anyone that is suspicious. Not coincidentally this is the year Ben Hundreds never left the house.

Mr. von NotHaus was just doing his thing, making his own currency, speaking at colleges and events, and having dinner with his friend and supporter Ron Paul.  Until one day in 2006, the secret service and FBI raided his office.  They confiscated 5 tons of gold, 4 tons of silver and 200 tons of copper. As well as every computer, file cabinet and arrested any one there. Did you know it was illegal to own gold?

Bernard von NotHaus was convicted of counterfeiting and domestic terrorism. In spring of 2011 he was found guilty.  He is currently awaiting sentencing for a harmless hobby that the government didn’t care about for 20 years, then decided they need to impound everything this man has every created and earned.

We are sitting here on Wilshire painting and at any moment they could take a 68 year old man away for 22 years.  Could be more… could get thrown out. Do you like the mountains Buff is painting?

This is Buff Monster pink. Custom made.

This is Tim.

I’m really trying to get a documentary made about Bernard von NotHaus, If I succeed it might raise enough awareness and keep him out of prison. Please click on all the links and draw your own conclusions. But some of the reports are bullshit fear inducing lies. The best part about all of this… IT’S BUFF MONSTER’S DAD!