[Editor’s note: The inimitable Rude Jude Angelini now has a new weekly advice column for TheHundreds.com. The shock jock-turned-memoirist wrote one of Bobby Hundreds’ favorite books of 2014. Now, he’s taking his sharp wit to The Hundreds in a recurring advice column where figures from our community reach out and ask Rude Jude for a helping hand.]

YO! JUDE,

A little over 2 months ago I spotted a friend’s hotel bill. It was a good chunk of money. This friend has been avoiding me ever since. Every time I bring it up, the friend is extremely apologetic, but I never see a dime. I’ve offered to take it in payments and still nothing. I know the friend is good for money because he/she is always on vacation and partying. I’m going on my own vacation soon and would really like to spend what is owed. Should I drop it and move on? 

Signed,
Where Is My Vacay?

This is a tough one. This is one of those questions like, “Jude, I tongue kissed an alligator, now I ain’t got no face. What should I do?” What should you do? Learn how to eat pizza with half a mouth. It’s too late, man. You don’t tongue kiss alligators the same way you don’t loan friends money. The shit turns out bad. I wish you woulda came to me first.

I got a gang of friends and I can count on two fingers the amount of motherfuckers I would loan money to. Ironically, those are the same people I would just give money too if they needed it. Those two are also the same motherfuckers that never asked me for money. You see what I’m saying?

Now I learned this the hard way just like you. We often make the mistake of thinking that our friends share the same core values that we do. Me? If I owe somebody, that shit weighs on me till I don’t. Not everybody’s built like that. Some people are a bit more selfish. In their brain they’re giving you their money, not giving you back your money. So they don’t.

So how do you get your money? My homie Kev, when someone owed him money, he’d show up at their house with a couple cats and take the TV, their Playstation, all the games, Tekken 2, all that shit. But that was a different time and a different place. OJ Simpson tried that same shit a few years back and ended up in prison.

Or Kev’d just fuck the dude’s girl, maybe tell him about it. After that, the guy never paid, but there’s a feeling a satisfaction one receives from doing this that money can’t buy. I tried this once with some cat that screwed me over. I banged his girl, came in her, and got her pregnant. It was a real fucking hassle; you know how hard it is to talk a Mexican chick into an abortion? That Catholic guilt runs deep.  She got one a few months and 40 phone calls later, but I learned my lesson not to use sex as revenge.

And besides force, nagging, or a lawyer there’s really nothing to do.

I had a homeboy that I grew up with, robbed some white boys at a Taco Bell. Dumbass that he is, used his mom’s car as the getaway. The white boys just wrote down his license plate, called the police, and the cops were there waiting for him when he got home. He did 2 years in prison for that. So he’s coming out and I wanna make sure he’s good, so I give him some of my clothes, some Perry Ellis, a shearling, some Nautica button-downs. A couple weeks later he hits me to borrow 40 bucks to buy a new shirt for a job interview.

I said, “I just gave you a blue shirt.”

He said, “I need a white shirt.”

I’m like, “Alright man.”

He comes and gets the money and I never seen that motherfucker again.

Ducked me for 40 bucks. At first I was mad, but then I remembered A Bronx Tale. Similar thing happened and the old dude sprinkled the young guy with knowledge. Now I’m about to Bronx Tale you. You just spent X amount of dollars to learn a lesson about loaning money. Don’t do it, and get that lame out of your life. He ain’t true, he exposed himself. Money well spent. Take this on the chin, drop kick that friend to the curb and keep it moving.

::

Got questions for Rude Jude? Email YoJude@TheHundreds.com.