You are repressed but you’re remarkably dressed.

no subject

Dear Yasi,

I just got home from smokin a few blunts with my friends, and they got me thinking…but first I have to get a few things off my chest:

I don’t know if I want to be put on blast for e-mailing you but I spend a lot of time around computers. I am in college I do alot of shit on the computer, and the internet kind of freaks me out. I mean why should I be e-mailing you in the first place, I’ve never met you in person. So what relationship do we have that I can communicate with you? We don’t really. But in cyberspace I’ve come across your column on the hundreds site, I’ve been following the hundreds for a while. And like I said earlier I am bored on the internet alot so I look at the hundreds site weekly probably..And for some reason your column makes you look very attractive..But am I a creep for trying to talk to you?

I mean on your side of cyberspace you know how to have some sex appeal or something, you don’t reveal too much but you are probably attractive..you do it on purpose..And if your not you still are attractive to me…So are you some type of cyberspace babe? Am I creep for e-mailing some girl I’ve only seen some pictures of and I’ve never seen her face (I will use a brown paper bag though, don’t tirp)? Don’t get me wrong I know how to get girls in real life I don’t really need to hit on you or anything..But I still do, or would like to…

basically I wanted to tell you, your pretty bomb and you should keep doing whatever it is you do

so here is my question

Do you like the attention you get from dudes like me or other people on web hitting on you like this?

Do you think bobby and ben hundreds have the power to raise an army and fix everything that’s wrong with the world or this country at least?

Thomas

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Thomas,

It’s late and I’ve spent the whole day packing up my whole life (fun fact: I haven’t thrown a magazine away since 1999. Because I’m CRAZY) so I’m going to make this brief and to the point:

Question 1: (re: attention from dudes)

I think all girls like attention to some extent, but there is a very large and varied spectrum. I know girls who love attention from any guy, whether or not they are interested in them. The attention adds to the feeling of self worth, especially pretty girls who have gotten this type of attention their whole lives. They seek it out because they need it. Some even manipulate others to get it, at the expense of the attention givers. I’m not sure who is more responsible in that case, the pretty manipulator or the delusional suitor. I guess everyone loses. (PS Attention whores we totally see you walking around the shitty bar, tossing your hair and throwing people weird over-the-shoulder pursed lip sex glances, and sometimes we imitate you when you’re not around). Anyway since I was rather unfortunate looking for middle school, high school, and most of college, I’m still learning about this whole “attention thing.” At first attention made me sort of uncomfortable, and often perplexed. Sometimes a guy would look at me in a bar and I’d look behind to me to see who he was checking out. But that’s neither here nor there. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the attention I get through this blog, less because it has to do with my physical attributes (yes, I have lovely shoulders) but more because I assume that maybe the “hitting on” is related to my mind, however ornery and curmudgeony it is. But as my dad used to say, when you assume to make an ass out of u and me. (Clever fellow, my father).

Question 2: (re: bobby and ben’s power/army)

No.

xx,
Yasi

E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.

You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

So since I’m not getting a whole lot of palatable emails these days, I figured I’d try something new. Every week I’ll pick a topic, and then those of you feeling so motivated can write in with a question about it. Or a poem written in iambic pentameter. Whatever. I didn’t have to pick this week’s topic though, since young Peter Cordner chose it for me. Thanks Pete.

Subject: Ask Yasi ?

Dear Yasi,

Can you voice your opinion on forgiveness

-P

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Peter,

Since I’m far better at voicing other people’s opinions, I think I’ll start with that. Wilde says “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” Twain says, “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Johnette Napolitano told Joey “all is forgiven, listen listen.” Morrissey sang “looking back we will forgive (we had no choice, we always did),” but later decided “I never will, I never will, I never will.” But maybe most telling was the way Janis forgave, not explicitly but instead by offering up another little piece of her heart now, darling.

The more I grapple with it (because I believe that if it is not difficult then it’s not forgiveness) the more I’ve come to believe that forgiveness is not for the benefit of the recipient, but for that of the forgiver. Without it we can’t move on. And while there are multiple quotes about how much harder it is to forgive your enemies than it is to forgive your friends, in my experience the hardest person to forgive is yourself. As for me, while I feel that I am ever trying to engage myself in the act, I have had difficulty understanding it fully. Maybe that’s why my favorite thought on the subject comes from George Bernard Shaw: “The secret of forgiving everything is to understand nothing.”

xx,
Yasi

E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.

Pick me up and turn me round.

Subject: 1:29AM

Dear Yasi,

We all do weird little things when were all alone that have generally no purpose other than to serve as a small comfort to us…
For example i always open the microwave door 1 second before the timer goes off to avoid the loud BEEP.
What are some weird things you do that you think no one else does?

Thanks,
Harøld

P.s. Completely Unrelated note: whats your most listened to song in iTunes?

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Dear Harøld,

If you’re talking about neuroses I don’t think we have the time or the space in the interweb to hold all of that. But I’ll share a few tids. If you can’t tell, I’m a bit of a weirdo. Ok, a lot of a weirdo.

1. I don’t like even numbers. They make me uncomfortable. If I go to the grocery store, I cannot buy two lemons. It doesn’t matter that I only need two. I will buy three, or else I get anxiety.

2. When I’m upset, I listen to the NPR Fresh Air interview with Gene Wilder. It soothes me.

3. I keep lists of words I like. I compile them while paging through the thesaurus.

That’s about all you need to know. Incidentally, the most played song on my iTunes is “This Must be the Place (Naive Melody)” by Talking Heads.

xx,
Yasi

E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.

So here’s to the golden moon and here’s to the silver sea.

Subject: retire

you’ve become derek fisher. and about lamar odom, he believes in jesus, you wouldn’t like him.

jens
HI

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Dear Fuckwad,

If anything I’ve said has led you to believe I’m some sort of a bigot, I guess I’ve been using too many big words. I don’t care if you believe in Jesus, Buddha, Allah or the fucking Care Bear Stare. I only dislike people who believe in being incredibly annoying. Like yourself. (Yes, I received your last email and the reason I didn’t post it was because it was incredibly stupid. Featuring gems such as “man, you stuffed your head with wilde and vocabulary and got nuthin in your heart” and “its hard work having good taste, reseaching the latest band or fashion trend, but its not in vain… the pay off? poontang”).

And by the way, Derek Fisher still averages about 10 pts a game. To put that in perspective, Ariza averages about 9, Farmar averages about 6.5 and Walton clocks in at a whopping 5. And since you’re now 0 for 2 on sending intelligent or interesting emails, you and your retirement plans can go fuck themselves.

There goes my week of nice.

xx,
Yasi

E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.

But you see I’ve got no charm.

Subject: the methadone for your malaise

Dear Yasi,

Yasi please find the stones to come back. I miss your rants and retorts.

I CAN’T BELIEVE you didn’t rip that last clown to pieces with his inane humdrum questions.

possible questions – What are you doing your post-grad (Ma, MSc or playa-hatin Degree) in? And in the interest of bridging the reader/writer gap, why don’t you ask your readers another question and ‘flip the script’ then pick one to put up. I’m trying to cover myself from all angles, but whenever I write to you I prepare for a verbal onslaught of torment and tyranny, (which we all get a kick out of – speaking for myself anyhow)

fuuuuuuuuuck the lakers.
Robert Duffy

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Dear Robert,

I’m touched by your email but I’m not sure it’s lack of “stones” that’s the issue. I’ve always believed (however trite it may sound) that everyone has some sort of talent, however big or small. I just didn’t think mine would be the public mocking of other people. My first published piece of writing appeared in the Santa Barbara Independent newspaper (hold your applause). It was a review of the film “Down With Love” starring Renee Zellwegger and Ewan Mcgregor. It was fucking terrible (the film, not my review), so I said so (in more civilized terms). About a week after publication I received a piece of hate mail from some old dude in Goleta or whatever giving me a piece of his mind. I don’t remember the exact wording, but I do remember he said I was “bitter” and “know nothing about true love.” While these both may have been (and may still be) true facts, sir, that doesn’t make the movie suck any less.

What I’m saying, inarticulately (if this was an email from one of you I would no doubt be badgering you to get to the point already) is that while I may be exceptionally good at berating people, maybe that’s not what I want to be good at anymore. Maybe I’ll take up bonzai.

xx,
Yasi

ps hating the Lakers is so boring I don’t even have something witty to say about it.

E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.