November 29th, 2008
Subject: wheres wally???
Hi Yasi,
your column is great, i read alot of your topics, and alot seem to be of people who really itch to see what you look like, i too sometimes wonder whats with the face hiding.
now this email isnt a question as such, maybe just clarification!??
now tell me
IS THIS YASI!!! hahaha
i know that thats your bmw from one of bobbys posts.
if this is you, no need to hide, but if no one notices this then i’ll sit comfortable as the true wheres wally master!!!
Dale
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Dear Dale,
Who the hell is Wally? Actually nevermind I don’t care. While I find the heroic efforts to determine what I look like endearing if not just a wee bit stalkerish, I have to say I’m perplexed by the level of interest. And the level of difficulty. Honestly it’s not that hard, the internet is a wondrous place. Some kid even somehow unearthed a photo of Bobby and I at a Vapors party in 2005. (You know who you are, freak). Really, at this point covering my face for the posts is just for ceremony.
Anyway I’m sorry to disappoint you but that gorgeous creature in the photos you sent me (see above) is not me. That’s the lovely Marina, and while we do share some similarities (penchant for expensive footwear, appreciation of Russian literature, love of carne asada fries) we are certainly two different people. She looks much better in florals, while I’m probably the one you’d want with you if you get into a bar fight. She loves Miley Cyrus. I do not. I yell at the tv during basketball games. She does not. If we were characters in the Breakfast Club, she would be Claire Standish and I would be Allison Reynolds (google it). Alice, our friend on the right of the top photos, would be the Australian exchange student that should have been in the movie to make Saturday school fly by with a set of dice and some Jack Daniels.
In conclusion, you are not the true Wally master, so your parents can let out a sigh of relief.
Yasi
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
November 26th, 2008
Bobby says I need to update more so that people will read this blog. I don’t actually see the correlation or how a higher quantity of my strange ramblings will somehow interest formerly uninterested people, but I’ve never been very good at the internet.
So, because I am not in the mood to answer a question today, I’ve cataloged a few things that I currently love. They all happen to be edible, which is not much of a surprise.
1. Tapatio
I put Tapatio on almost everything I eat. Eggs, Indian food, soup, potato salad, whatever. There is a giant size they sell at Costco and I go through one every few weeks. I also get very angry when I go to a restaurant and they do not have Tapatio. I can calm myself down if there is at least Chalula (which is inferior but still tolerable). But what the fuck is up with Chipotle only having Tabasco? Fuck Tabasco, that shit is for bloody marys and people who live in red states. I like your barbacoa, but you need to cut this Tabasco shit out.
Also, I once ate at a coffee shop that had individual Tapatio packets. If you have any information on where to buy these in bulk, please email me at askyasi@thehundreds.com. Thank you.
2. Fage Greek yogurt
(Pronounced Fa-yeh!) as it says on the container. This stuff is so delicious it almost makes me forget about the Pink Palace, this horrible hostel-resort thing in Corfu targeted at foolish American backpackers and that only had activities like 9am – booze cruise, 10am – sloshball, 11am – drunk volleyball, etc. If I wanted to hang out with obnoxious drunk American frat guys I would have saved myself a plane ticket and spent a month traveling through Barney’s Beanery.
3. McDonald’s Hot Mustard Sauce
I don’t eat McDonald’s much (because I prefer Taco Bell) but whenever I do I stock up on this. Most people aren’t up on it, and choose the BBQ or Sweet & Sour route but trust, this mustard is the truth. Although nowadays they give me attitude and try to charge me 11 cents for every extra sauce. I can get a full meal for $2.98 and you’re going to charge me 11 cents for 1 oz of mustard? FU.
Happy Thanksgiving from me and my monstrous hand.
November 24th, 2008
Subject: More Boy Blues
Dear Yasi,
First off, just to clarify, Crystal isn’t my real name, just a nickname. I also realized my email address may have caused some confusion, maybe even fear (I’m a premier league fan, Google it, and I had the address since I was very young…the tomboy years) I just added that in case it had you a little stumped.
Anyway…So I read your response, and I am so glad someone else struggles with this as much as I do, as well as looks to motion pictures for guidance (High Fidelity, E! has been wearing that out, as well as Singles). Singles particularly is something I have been analyzing lately, especially in relation to the situation I previously explained, with an added twist. I didn’t mention before, but I am a college student, and the guy I really like now, guy who’s never heard of Supreme, who saves jeans for special occasions, who’s never seen Pulp Fiction and marveled in its brilliance, that guy, is an exchange student. We first connected because we are both from the UK, although I no longer live there. As it turns out, it seems that he is starting to come pretty close to that 80% mark.
This brings me to a strange place where I find myself in transition from Janet to Linda from the movie Singles. As Janet, I no longer pine for the unrequited affection from my Cliff, dwelling on when to call, and figuring out ways to change myself to get his attention, although I still wait for the day for him to acknowledge me and hear him say, “you rock my world”. As of now, I am Linda (but still with the fashion sense), and I find myself rambling on about the possibilities I could experience with my Luiz (he’s not a jackass though). I don’t have much time left with this guy, and I don’t know what to do. Do you think situations like these are just lost causes? And should I tell him how I feel before it’s too late or just let things pan out? This guy along with this whole ordeal has really opened my eyes up towards dilemmas such as finding the right guy, and has also made me reevaluate myself. As hard as it is, I have refrained from judging guys by the shoes on their feet, the way they put together an outfit, and even by the songs they have on their playlists. I have even noticed I dress more for me know, rather than for the guys. It’s not all about having someone stand next to you that matches your style. If I loose this guy, I’m afraid I may relapse and return to my 50%ers and close-minded old habits.
And just when I found someone to comfortably enjoy silence with.
“Crystal”
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DEAR Crystal,
I don’t think there is any objective right answer to your question. The result of your choice will probably not have a great impact on the world, but it may or may not have a great impact on your life. I don’t know if this British person who is blissfully unaware of James Jebbia’s creations is the one for you. I don’t actually believe there is such a thing as “the one.” I think that we are raised on a steady diet of mythology and romantic idealism which gives us a false set of expectations for our own lives. I don’t know if there are statistics as to what percentage of Earth’s people walk into their bedrooms one day to find their names spelled out in rose petals on their beds, but I imagine it is a very very small number. Most people assume that everyone finds their someone, mostly because it is a comforting thought and the alternative isn’t easy to swallow. For some it can be terrifying. Which is why I suspect there are those who take whatever half-way decent connection they can muster and call it destiny. But just because Harry met Sally doesn’t mean you will find your Steve Dunne (he was my favorite male character in Singles, Matt Dillon can suck it).
While we may be born with human rights (in some countries this is debatable), love, happiness, and fulfillment are not rights. These are not givens. Some people never find anyone. Some people die alone, and this will not change no matter how many times one watches “The Notebook.” That being said, I’m not saying you should pack your bags and elope with the kid. I guess just remember that meaningful connections are few and far far between, and most, if not all, human relationships are transitory. Asking him to dinner might not change the reality of the human condition, but neither will waiting for “Cliff” to fill your bedroom with roses.
Yasi
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
November 19th, 2008
Subject: So… just how good is your memory?
Dear Yasi,
You use numerous quotes from various sources (writers, television, etc..) in your entries. There have been far too many situations in my life where I have read something or heard something aloud that I wish I could quote one day, but when the time to put the quote together comes, I’m more likely to remember exactly what I ate for breakfast a week prior. Although I do enjoy breakfast very much… I wonder if you write these quotes down, or do you just look them up when you need them? I also wonder if you use them in real life when you’re giving anybody advice. I have a bunch of professors who are seemingly databases of great quotes, idioms and proverbs.
So… what’s the secret?
-Pat.
Dear Pat,
It’s funny to me that you should praise my memory as I’ve often cursed it for failing me in times of need. My memory has an infuriating misordering of priorities. For example, I generally never forget song lyrics, even really stupid ones (like “I want to be Bob Dylan, Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more funky”). I remember people who were in my Spanish 1 class in the 9th grade (what’s up Kelsey Durkin), and I also remember my first presentation in said class (”Me gustan los tacos, pero me gusta mas el chile con carne.”) I worked in a market for three years during college and to this day I can remember all the produce codes (apples 34, broccoli 144, etc). Do I need this information? Doubtful (although if the economy is any indicator of my future employment, I might be up at Isla Vista market begging for my job back soon). I can remember school related things learned in the library during finals week, but not one day past the test. Can I remember dentist appointments? To pay my rent? Where I parked my car? Most people’s phone numbers? Most people’s names? No, I cannot. Thus my life is a constant stream of late fees, anxiety, and uncomfortable situations in bars (”Hey….you! What’s up, guy?”). In short, my memory sucks.
Anyway, while all my plagiarism is heart-felt, it’s mostly not memorized. Generally the sentiments stay with me, but I don’t like to risk butchering the diction so I make sure they are accurate word-for-word. I keep a moleskin with all my quotes in it, and add to it whenever I find a new one. If I can remember where I put it.
Yasi
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
November 13th, 2008
Subject: Boy Blues
Dear Yasi,
I am a girl really feeling one of my guy friends I met not to long ago, and I think he might be feeling me too. I want to see where things go, but the only problem is, I am still a little hung up on my former crush. With my former crush, I feel like I was the only one making an effort to move things along. With my current crush it is a completely opposite. I feel so good and comfortable around him even though we only have a few things in common, unfortunately not including our fashion sense and musical taste (2 important factors I consider highly). With my former crush, I’m ashamed to say what first attracted me to him was his looks and fashion sense, but we have almost everything in common, just not a real connection. This dilemma has really made me think about how I pick guys I’m interested in. If I have all this criteria to evaluate them on it always is a match down to the sneakers, but connection wise, it completely misses. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to ask is, when is it time to just let go, and let flow?
p.s. If you want a mental picture of the two guys you can look to the guys on Bobby’s blog for inspiration. For my new crush, look to English footballer Michael Owen for insight.
“Crystal”
Dear “Crystal” or whatever your name is,
The topic you’re bringing up, in your delightfully Cosmo way, is actually one that is near and dear to my heart. Truth be told, I’ve grappled with this dilemma in my head for some time now. (In fact this occupies all the free space in my brain that is not devoted to Wondering-What-The-Hell-I-Am-Doing-With-My-Life and Wishing-Dr.House-Was-A-Real-Person). There’s a line in High Fidelity (yes, more High Fidelity, it’s been on TV a lot, ok?) in which the main character Rob says something to the effect of “What really matters is what you like, not what you are like… Books, records, films — these things matter. Call me shallow but it’s the fuckin’ truth.” And I have to admit for a long time, I really believed this to be fuckin’ truth. And I sort of still do.
Sure, predilections and preferences matter, to an extent. You don’t want to date a guy whose favorite book is the fucking Alchemist, who listens to Fall Out Boy and Staind, or who has an Insane Clown tattooed on his ankle (ok fine I am fully guilty of having perpetrated that last crime, but believe you me I paid dearly for it). Owns multiple Phish albums, posters, random paraphernalia? No, thanks. Jewelry made of hemp? Bye-bye. Diesel shoes? Ok, you get my point. Now that I have proven I can snob with the best of them, let me try to make my point more clearly.
Recently I went out with a normal guy. Like way normal. Like never heard of ALIFE, has no idea who The Pixies are, works out on his lunch break normal. I spent the whole day having waking nightmares about what he would show up wearing. What if he wears Abercrombie cargo shorts with Adidas shower sandals? What if he wears Tommy Bahama? What if (WHAT IF!) he shows up proudly sporting one of those ironic faux-vintage t-shirts from Urban Outfitters that says something like “Miami is for Lovers” or “I’m not a Gynecologist but I’ll Take a Look.” Long story short what he showed up wearing was inoffensive but unindenitfiable, but more importantly, he was smart, charming, and funny, and I had a really good time. Do I wish he owned a few Pavement albums and knew the cultural significance of Annie Hall? Yes. Will I still see him again? Absolutely.
I have a friend who says that your mate will never be more than 80% of what you want them to be. Since we spend most of our lives dealing with 50%ers, if you come across an 80%er with the wrong type of jeans on, I think it might be worth it to give him a second look.
In summary: some things are more important than musical tastes and choice of clothing, raw Japanese denim won’t keep you warm at night, and Diesel shoes are not ok. Ever.
Yasi
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
