October 30th, 2008
subject: Dear dearest Yasi,
Straight to the point. I live in Miami and I enjoy the Downtown area.
Yesterday I was parading the graph paper sidewalks of Downtown Miami when suddenly, I notice a young lady walking my way wearing a bright yellow tee.
The shirt read, get this, “Ask Yasi”.
I was all like “shut the f#@% up” and such, but seeing how you’re a friggin’ masked crusader, I couldn’t tell if it was you.
(Scratch that, I knew it wasn’t you seeing how this girl was the size of two Toyota Avalons, but anyways…)
Question.
How does this, I dare say, “cult” you’re slowly creating make you feel?
(I shit you not, it was in the same cursive and everything)
Holla at ya llama,
Luis “Street” Blanco
“Street,”
Honestly, besides the emails I get and the occasional mention from a friend about something I wrote about, I’m still not convinced that anyone reads this column. In fact I’m pretty sure the FAQs page gets more hits than mine. And I don’t find this strange, because I myself can’t really fathom why anyone would read any of this. I’m usually long-winded, sometimes boring, somewhat pretentious, and often completely and utterly wrong. I also have trouble making it through a single posting without quoting a better writer than myself in order to get my point across (I was going to reference Andy Rooney here but I imposed much self-discipline). When I dreamed my little dream of being a writer one glorious day, I pictured myself in a little apartment in Paris, drinking espresso (perhaps with a croissant, because in my dreams I am not allergic to wheat) hunched over a typewriter, tapping out masterpieces. Or maybe even tapping out mediocrities. But doing real writing nonetheless. So I have to say that the idea of someone enjoying this drivel so much that they would create a bootleg t-shirt to commemorate its wonder is absolutely baffling to me. (Just to be clear, I haven’t been to Miami since WMC of 2004 and while that whole trip is pretty fuzzy I was definitely not donning a yellow “Ask Yasi” tee during that trip).
While the topic of undeserved fashion homage makes me moderately uncomfortable, the question about some alleged cult that I am spearheading is laughable since the only agenda I push with the CULT is my god given right to talk about things that nobody cares about. Also, occasionally I sell clothing, and hopefully a little bit of sanctuary. But I’m no branch davidian, and unfortunately, this is no movable feast.
Yasi
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
October 29th, 2008
Subject: Yasi!!!!!
Hi Yasi,
So Yasi, I just recently re-stumbled upon your spot on the site an decided I would ask a little question. What should a guy do when he really likes this one girl an he knows she shares those feelings for him, yet the girl just happens to be a drunk slut an can’t ever hop off other dudes nuts? Oh yeah, and about the multiple times you said you don’t know all…. check back to #1: drunk is the new skinny
Sincerely
Matt
Matt,
What you are experiencing is not that uncommon (but then again, neither are drunk sluts I suppose). It is a myth that every person pursues happiness in their lives. Many if not most of us spend a good deal of our lives intentionally, though subconsciously, seeking unhappiness. There are a multitude of avenues for this (drugs, shitty jobs, fraternities) but the most common is probably romantic. In our pursuit of love, we become expert self-saboteurs, and with the precision of a well-trained assassin, hone in only on people who are particularly bad for us. We constantly choose those who will most certainly wound us, or worse, those whom we will inevitably wound. Our friends point out patterns and re-runs and we sneer “but I thought this one was different.” But truth be told, we knew he or she wasn’t. We always know, just like those people who sue fast food establishments for their obesity always knew. But we will never admit to it, and sometimes we don’t even know that we know. You know? That is, sometimes we are not ready to know.
Like most bad behavior, this is compulsive. And after a while, we can no longer play the tragic, the victim. The melancholy violins are silenced, and your hurt and tears and anger become almost absurd. Some people (the rare blessed perfectly well-adjusted minority) never go through this phase. Lucky fucking them. But the rest of us, with our laundry lists of neuroses, baggage, and experiential crazies, are destined to go through it at one point or another. For those unwilling to recognize their dysfunction, it can last a whole lifetime. But for most of us, one of those ever-so-charming sluts or assholes we choose leaves us so war torn and bloody and full of self-loathing and self-blame that we are thrust out of our destructive pattern. And one day we wake up and suddenly married guys and narcissistic women are no longer so appealing. We hope.
Anyway, since I can’t say I really answered your question, I say stay away from your town bicycle, if not because of the above dissertation then because STDs are gross.
Yasi
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
October 22nd, 2008
subject: Ask a _____ girl, part II
Ahhh Yasi,
One to never come up short on the response, so I request a second meeting of the minds, with a rebuttal to our first topic. Lets see if it will warrant the first time to have a “Follow up” on “Ask Yasi”
(1st rule of debates, is to please leave the Bobby and Ben whomevers out of it, Im talking to you, so show me the respect of your full attention, I took timeout for my day to ask you something, and feel cheated that they somehow made it into my “Talk time” without permission.)
Simone de Beauvoir, being one of our times leading (I say that very loosely) feminisitc writers, also had some points of her talks largely taken out of context, to prove her points more and to uphold the belief and ideals of what she called “reverse sexism”. Having being born to a leader of the womens rights movements, my mother never quite understood what idea she was trying to convey with the book “The Second Sex” which was manditory reading in a house of three women in my youth. Some say her translated scripts left out the majority of what she was really saying, such things as “”One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman”,distinguishes the terms ’sex’ and ‘gender’. Translated into: ‘gender’ is an aspect of identity which is “gradually acquired”.
Anyways, having your thoughts ill translated happens, as was my original question….so in all fairness, ill rephrase it with an updated add on.
Yasi,
“Does is occur to you that men who are well read in all aspects of feminism AND enjoy a healthy posterior, confuse you.”
Best,
Ethan
Ethan,
What a little pen-pal you’re turning out to be. Alas, you have asked for something that is nearly impossible for me to give. My undivided attention must be entirely warranted and while your emails are amusing and somewhat thought-provoking, I am not entirely rapt. And although you spent half of your email discussing Simone de Beauvoir, I’m not going to spend much time speaking to that, since it wasn’t part of your question. But I will say that while I never said I necessarily agree with all of de Beauvoir’s ideas about feminism and gender, I do think she was an important philosopher of sorts and that her books changed the course of history in their own way. Plus I’ve always had a thing for existentialist thought.
As for your question, let me start with a short list of things that confuse me:
-Your subject line
-Girls that wear the headband across their foreheads like Indian squaws.
-Katy Perry
-Flan
-Dancing with the Stars
However, it has never “occurred to me” that a guy who is well read (in feminism or anything else) who also likes a girl with a big butt is confusing. Because it’s not. Unexpected, sure. Uncommon, yes. But baffling? No. Perhaps I am some sort of idealist, or perhaps I am drowning in naivate, but just because these days something is hard to find doesn’t mean one should suddenly give praise for its existence. I understand that the bar has been lowered, but please. Is there a point where I’m supposed to erect a monument in honor of a guy who isn’t an alcoholic AND can read? I’m not diminishing the importance of your knowledge about feminism, I think it’s admirable that you are well-versed in Simone (and probably many others) and that you are probably respectful of women. But this would be more impressive if you weren’t raised by a feminist. See what I’m saying? (That was a rhetorical question, not an invite for further discourse).
Your email reminded me of a passage in High Fidelity where the main character Rob is describing himself for the reader. He says “What am I? Average. A middleweight. Not the brightest bloke in the world, but certainly not the dimmest: I have read books like The Unbearable Lightness of Being and Love in the Time of Cholera, and I understood them, I think…I’m OK looking…I keep mself clean, wear jeans and t-shirts and a leather jacket more or less all of the time…I can see what femininist are on about, most of the time, but not the radical ones.” Rob’s charm is that he is perfectly self-aware, and does not live in a world where having read a handful books and understanding feminism (to an extent) is not something incredible; it is just normal.
To conclude, I’m most confused by any guy who adores flat pancake asses.
Yasi
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
October 21st, 2008
subject: In regards to your last post “I am a patient Boy”
Hey Yasi:
It is your beloved Celtics fan, yet again.
I just want to quote you on your latest entry and commend you for it: “…I have to say part of me is sort of happy about this situation. Because it’s just this kind of desperation and rubble that gives rise to innovation, in every arena, from music to art to activism to commerce.” You refer to your latest post as the “most boring entry in the history of this column”, I beg to differ. Your quote up there is one of the most truthful combination of letters and grammatical structure I have ever read on the Internet.
With the creation of many pieces of art, music, and poetry, the best works come from very troubled individuals (Edgar Allan Poe being one classic example). This state of economic disaster we are currently in, will bring forth very troubled individuals who will channel all that bad energy and create something extraordinary from it.
In the words of Winston Churchill: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” And that is exactly what America (hell, even the whole planet) needs to do. Keep on going.
Thanks
-Tony
Tony,
I scanned your email a few times for a question and couldn’t for the life of me find one, but I agree with your sentiment and more importantly, I love being publicly praised so here it is. Also, I had to express my sympathy that this will be a doubly hard year for you, with the economic downturn and the fact that the Celtics will undoubtedly lose this year. My condolences in advance.
Yasi
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
October 20th, 2008
subject: At last, a real question…
Yasi,
Are you a virgin/abstainer/face hider, because you have such a large posterior, and you feel objectified in some way?
Thanks for your time,
Ethan
Ethan,
First of all let me give a hearty thank you to Bobby for posting photos of me from behind and thus inviting a plethora of emails commenting on my, well, behind. (That includes you, guy who wanted me to be the “butt model” for his blog. Would that I could, but I’ll have to respectfully decline. My butt is shy). Anyway, to answer your really real question, the size of my “posterior” does little to dictate how I live my life (besides the ill-advised times that I desire white pants). Also, it’s cute that you actually think I’m a virgin. Even my parents surrendered that fantasy some time ago.
In terms of feeling objectified, Simone de Beauvoir once said “To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object.” I don’t believe anyone has the power to objectify me unless I let them. This includes my own butt. Like most others in possession of a uterus, I’ve had my share of body issues, and yes I wouldn’t be terribly upset if one day I woke up with Eva Mendes’ body. But for the most part I am finally at a place in my life where I actually kind of like myself and my body, inclusive of all its (many) imperfections. Of course I didn’t always feel this way. But after a while I guess you realize that wanting to be someone else is as exhausting as it is pointless, and if you’re very lucky, the things you wished you could have changed become sources of pride. Besides, as brilliant as I am at self-deprecation, hating my body just got boring. It’s much more fun to beat myself up about my personality flaws.
Yasi
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
