July 31st, 2008
Bobby said I don’t always have to answer questions. (Thanks Bobby). So today, in lieu of offering you useless and often off-topic advice, I’d like to share with you some of the spam email I get. (I used to get these really amazing ones that took lines from famous literature (like Wuthering Heights and Othello and such) and piece together sentene fragments from each one into a bizarre amazing paragraph. I miss those).
Subject: Let your intimate dreams come true!
Time to be thinner.
Oh.
Subject: Hate that I love you
Can’t stay away from you
This is how I feel about McDonald’s iced coffee.
Subject: Spiffing timepieces for low price
Any self-respecting person should own several stylish watches for every single occasion
Can’t say I disagree with that.
Subject: Dont get lost in her eyes because of small dimensions.
Online largest selection of medicaments.
The subject line lured me in because at first it sounds weirdly poetic then you’re like oh, this is about Viagra. I think. (I don’t know what medicaments are).
Subject: prosecutor bronzy
malarial horrify deterring
maxima conception heroism? prosecutor, spruce crusoe.
holystone anent holystone wedge columnar planar, jupiter
conformation throat whet noose wedge.
heroism heroism.
That one was my favorite because it’s strangely beautiful in its own way.
The End.
July 28th, 2008
Subject: hello yasi
Only a few questions. One, what does the tattoo on your wrist say? and do have any other tattoos?
Second question is, which is better a mixtape or a mix CD?
peace and love,
bill.
Dear Bill,
(I’m going to ignore the tattoo question because honestly who fucking cares).
Like some of the guys I have dated, your question is sweet but inconsequential. I’ll answer it anyway, because I’ve already seen all three Law and Order episodes that are currently on tv and already eaten everything remotely edible in my kitchen (does biscotti go stale?). As with most things in life, it’s less about the packaging and more about the content. So it doesn’t matter if it’s a CD or a tape or a singing clown telegram. A mix is at best a way of expressing yourself, of showing someone who you are, but let’s get serious you (like the rest of us) probably have no idea who you are. Or worse, you think you know and are laughably and tragically wrong. (See: people who call themselve “nice.” Or “smart.” Or “happy”). I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, but mercifully it doesn’t end in some sort of boring “be yourself, drugs are bad for you, go America” sentiment. Now where was I? Oh yeah, mixes. Tape, CD, clown, it doesn’t really matter as long as you don’t put on really fucking shitty songs and embarrass yourself. Here’s a little guidance:
If your objective is romance, include the following songs:
-Big Star “Thirteen”
-The Stone Roses “I Wanna Be Adored”
-Billy Joel “She’s Always A Woman”***
***This one may only work on me, much like Third Eye Blind’s “Semi-Charmed Life.”
A few more things. Any girl who will fuck you because of a Killers song definitely has herpes and really low self-esteem. Any time you feel like using an Interpol song, do yourself a favor and replace it with Joy Division because they did it first and way less annoying. Lastly, go look up the word “cliche.” Write down the definition and tape it on your wall. Then look at it every time you are tempted to use anything by Coldplay (yes, even “The Scientist.” What are you, a lesbian?).
That being said, you probably still won’t get laid but at least one more person in the world will know who Alex Chilton is. I’ll wrap it up now because I’m actually boring myself and Monk is on USA.
BTW, does anyone know what the average American IQ is? Because I just saw a commercial that said “Which bird can often be taught how to speak? A) Eagle or B) Parrot? Text your answer to blah blah and get a free ringtone!!!”
Really? Eagle? Why not just make it completely absurd and say A) Toaster? Or A) Remote Control? Seriously kill yourselves.
Yasi
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
July 15th, 2008
Subject: I’m all alone….
Yo Yasi,
It seems that I have reached a plateau in my daily quest of finding love. I am a stunning gentleman who still hangs on to the idea that chivalry is not dead. I recently feel as if this idea is about just as old as… something really old. My question to you is should I throw my ideals out the window and start kicking ass or am I on the right path to love (which becomes more distant every day)?
-Kyle
Dear Kyle,
Outside of people (mostly women) calling it dead, chivalry never really existed outside of the thirteenth century, when Sir Lancelot and King Arthur pranced around in tights and chain maile and vowed to “always do ladies, gentlewomen and widows succor.” (No, succor means “help” or “relief,” perv). What I think you’re trying to tell me is that you’re a nice guy. But to be honest with you, I don’t really know what that means. Nice is such a vague description of oneself. It’s like calling something or someone “interesting.” I don’t really think there is such a thing as a “nice guy” (and no, not on some “bitter, party of one?” shit). I think we all have in us the capacity to be nice, just like we have the capacity to be cruel, to be loyal, to cheat, to lie, to always do ladies succor, and so on and so forth. Personalities are as much a collection of learned behaviors, habits, and self-defense mechanisms as they are intrinsic traits. So if your idea of being nice is letting people walk all over you, then maybe you need to examine your motives. Remember that people will only treat you as badly as you let them (I reserve the right to say this again and again in future entries until it becomes my Dr.Phil-esque calling card and someone gives me a fucking talk show).
What troubles me more about your question is this: “should I throw my ideals out the window and start kicking ass.” (I’m actually going to ignore the “kicking ass” part because I find it equal parts disturbing and jock-jams). Since you visit this site, I’m going to go ahead and guess you’re somewhere between 15 and 22 years old, and I think it’s a bit early to start giving up hope and joining eharmony.com. And at the risk of sounding like some sort of after-school special (cue “The More You Know” rainbow), you should never change who you are for someone else. I don’t believe there is any yellow brick road that leads to emotional fulfillment. I think that you do you, the best you can, and somewhere along the way someone sees that you, and for one reason or another, loves it. So what all this rambling is leading up to is: stop being a pushover, keep being yourself, and don’t join eHarmony because it’s expensive and full of weird single Christian fundamendalists.
Yasi
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
July 1st, 2008
THREE EMAILS, ONE ANSWER.
NUMBER 1
Subject: read
Hi, i’m Billy,
One question, why don’t you want anyone to see your face?
Thanks, bye
billy
NUMBER 2
Subject: Hey Yasi !
Why Do You Cover Your Face ??
Myspace.com/sc00by
NUMBER 3
Subject: Yo yo yo
Dear Yasi,
You seem like a very cool person.
Sincerely,
Joseph
AND ANSWER.
Dear Everyone,
Since my last post was a horribly stuffy/pretentious/nerdy dissertation on Oscar Wilde, I figure why not follow up with (yet another) Wilde quote. (Consider yourself blessed that my favorite writer is not Chaucer, or say, Dr. Phil.
Anyway, Wilde says that a man’s face is his autobiography, while a woman’s face is her work of fiction. Perhaps I took this sentiment as inspiration for this column. (Wilde is perhaps the patron saint of botox). I guess there are few other reasons that could explain the constant hiding of my face. Maybe I’m a hideous troll (I am actually strikingly beautiful, but I can show you some photos of myself at 13 that Wes Craven could make a nine-sequel horror movie from). Maybe I’ve been in some trouble with the law (I’d rather not get into it but rest assured there are no federal authorities after me. Anymore). Maybe this column is ghost-written by some guy Bobby outsources in India (this is totally possible, what up Sanjay).
Actually, whatever reason I give you will probably not be satisfactory, so I’ll just say this: What is a face anyway? Just a collection of parts, really, and viewed differently by everyone. You (Billy, Joseph, and young Scooby) may think that I am gorgeous, while some others (such as blind people) may think I am repulsive. I happen to think that my words (which are so eloquent and graceful) are more important than said face, so by covering it perhaps I am making a statement of sorts. Or maybe I just really like dressing up (I have a whole collection of animal masks and am currently awaiting an adult-size Tigger costume I ordered on the internet). Maybe I just really used these questions as an excuse to throw TWO Wilde quotes at you. Here we go:
“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”
You can say whatever you want about me, but you can never say I lied (except to my parents, the cops, a few bouncers, and all cab drivers).
Yasi
ps thank you, Joseph.
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
