April 24th, 2008
Subject: YASI PLEASE READ
yasi
Hey iv been wondering if maybe when i come to LA on vacation next month we could met up and go one of those special coffee shops they have out there in cali, you know the ones that let you smoke pot and maybe after that we can go for a lil hike along the mountains id love to see the view of the golden gate bridge preferably while on shrooms! Im not some crazy stalker of yours by any means for all i know your bobbys girlfriend and hey he can come along to
from mike, pompano beach,florida
Mike,
Before I get into anything pertaining to your somewhat bizarre request, can I ask you a question? (Note: I usually copy-edit all your emails because I am benevolent but in this case I left it as-is for the sake of demonstration). Why doesn’t anyone proof-read their emails? Do emails not count as a form of communication worthy of attention or even correctness? Are you all fully content to slowly and deliberately murder the English language with your misspellings, grammatical errors, and worst of all, internet acronyms? I’m fairly sure I’m alone in this, but when someone types “r u their?” to me, a little part of my heart dies. I can see that typing “u” instead of “you” probably saves something like three seconds, so what do you do with that seven minutes you save yourself each day? I hope you use it wisely. And I don’t expect everyone to have an innate sense of spelling. (It’s a gift). However, it is my understanding that most computers have some sort of program that provides spell-check, which means that when you send out emails with misspelled words you were simply too lazy/didn’t care enough to make sure your message was error-free.
What this tells me Mike is that you do not respect me. If you did, you would take the extra five minutes to make sure your email was without obvious mistakes. So no, I will not go on a hike with you while you are in LA (and not just because I do not hike). Also, for the sake of clarification, those “coffee shops” are located in the Netherlands, the Golden Gate Bridge is located in San Francisco, and your spell check is located in Microsoft Word.
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
April 17th, 2008
Subject: HERE IS ONE THAT IS SURE TO STUMP YA.
YASI I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU THINK YOU ARE ALL KNOWING. OR AT LEAST COME OFF THAT WAY. WELL SMARTY PANTS HERE IS ONE FOR YA…WHY DO WIENERS COME IN PACKAGES OF 8 AND HOT DOG BUNS COME IN PACKAGES OF 12??? HA!
Victor Morales
Well, well, well Victor. Why don’t you tell me how you REALLY feel? And why are you yelling? Look, if you really want the cold hard truth, as I have mentioned on more than several occasions (please see Ask Yasi #11), I do not think that I know it all. In fact, I maintain that I do not know much of anything at all. My own life is at best some sort of Malthusian farce of feast and famine (with more emphasis on the famine part) and at worst the makings of some really terrible rom com in which I play the likable Janeane Garofalo character. My mother calls me on a regular basis to alternately interrogate me about how very single I still am (I believe the words “old maid” have been tossed around) and then tell me in vivid detail about the wedding she has planned for me (this month it’s a destination wedding and the menu is Asian Fusion). I have terrible allergies and I’m slighly pigeon-toed. I can’t even balance my checkbook.
So what I’m getting at here is that I’m probably in no way qualified to give advice to anyone least of all someone as incredibly evolved and brilliant as yourself. However, like the blind leading the moronic, I still do it, mostly because people (like yourself) still ask me questions. Which actually ties in perfectly to my answer to your question. Why do they make hot dogs and buns in non-corresponding packages? Because people will still buy them.
Hot Dog Cartel-1, You and I-0.
(As Jupiter pointed out, if you buy in bulk you can beat the system. 6 packs of franks and 4 packs of buns equals 48 happy hot dogs. He’s totally a fucking know-it-all).
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
April 15th, 2008
Dearest Yasi,
My name is Tim and I have a very serious problem that I really don’t care that much about, but I’ll ask anyway. Why is it that people like me, the sarcastic asshole, can’t catch a break when it comes to people understanding my sense of humor. People either love me or hate me. It seems that people are so sensitive now that I can’t say anything without it being received as an insult or rude. Girls especially don’t appreciate my sarcasm. Why can’t people grow a set and stop being so sensitive?
-TIM-
Timmy,
In regards to your “very serious problem” that you “don’t care much about,” (very convincing) here’s what I can tell you based on my limited analysis of your one brief email. Truth be told, most people like sarcasm, but sarcasm has the prerequisite of intelligence, so whatever your special blend of humor happens to be I’m not sure if it is at all funny to anyone else on the planet. You do claim that some people love you, but I’m willing to bet that these people are named Mom and Dad. My guess is that people perceive what you’re saying as insulting and rude because you are in fact being insulting and rude. And I don’t know what your game with girls is, but mocking them probably won’t get you much play (I know, because I invented this game). My advice to you is to stop caring so much what other people think of you, stop trying to impress them with your “special brand of wit” and try being nice to the ladies. Or you can stay at home playing Playstation while your mom fixes you pizza rolls and wait for the world to grow a set.
xo,
Yasi
p.s You may be thinking to yourself, well whatever what the fuck do you know Yasi? And the answer to that is nothing. There. Beat you to it.
E-mail Yasi your question at AskYasi@thehundreds.com. There is absolutely no guarantee she will answer your question, but at least you can tell your friends you talked to a girl.
